37 Things You Don’t Have to Do or Be

^{If I could tell you one thing today, it would be this: You don’t have to be anything more than you already are in order to be enough.}

The first time I remember really battling feelings of inadequacy was when I became a wife and mom.

I had insecurities like anybody else, but overall, I was a reasonably self-assured teen and young adult. Outside of my parents, I didn’t have anyone to be “enough” FOR.

But once I had my own family, I found myself needing to be enough FOR THEM.

I’d hold my baby’s head in the palms of my hands, his body not even the length of my lap, and think—What if I’m not enough for him?

What if I can’t raise him the way I want to?

What if I yell? What if I can’t help him with his math past the fourth grade? (Spoiler alert, that was totally the case.)

What if he leaves our home with emotional baggage because of the way I parented him?

It was scary to have someone to be enough for.

The Pressure of Striving for Perfection

It was the most real pressure I’d ever felt—far more real than the pressure of a state tennis tournament, a final exam that my grade for the semester depended on, or the money I needed in order to pay rent. Those suddenly seemed like nothing compared to the pressure of raising a human.

The Hamster Wheel of High Performance

So I did what I’d always done: I focused on performance.

I read the parenting books, had deep conversations with my husband about how we wanted to raise our kids, and I got to WORK.

When I couldn’t breastfeed like I’d hoped, I pumped around the clock for as many months as I could. When I broke my knee cap clean in two while carrying a baby in my belly and a toddler on my hip, I didn’t even see a doctor, because I told myself I’d be fine and reminded myself I had more important work to do.

I bought the art supplies and made the toddler crafts. I took the kids to library story time, did the Mommy & Me swimming lessons, and hid vegetables inside their food.

I turned motherhood into a SPORT. An activity I could be graded on. (And I dang well better be getting an A!)

What If We Trade “Perfect” for Real

But after a few years of this, I found myself (unsurprisingly) exhausted.

I started to doubt whether my performance-focused motherhood was really giving my kids what I wanted to give them most of all.

If I asked myself what I really wanted to give them, it wasn’t stellar eating habits or a deep and abiding love of books (as great as those things are).

If I could give my kids one thing, it would be the peace of knowing that they are enough—no matter what.

So maybe, just maybe, instead of hustling and pushing and wearing myself out trying to be the perfect mom, I should just REST in my imperfection and begin modeling a more wholehearted, self-accepting approach to life.

Maybe this, in the end, would be a million times better for my kids—and for me—than high performance ever was.

Parenthood, though, is by no means the only place where we experience the fear of not being enough. I feel it creeping into my thoughts in so many different areas, and I know from talking to hundreds of you that I’m not alone in this.

So if I could grab you by the shoulders today and tell you one thing, it would be the same thing I’d tell any of my kids: You don’t have to do or be anything more than you already are in order to be enough.

I hope the following list helps this sink in even deeper.