Guys, am I adequately conveying my enthusiasm about family purpose statements?! I don’t think there is a better place to start if we’re going to build strong family identities.

When we talked last week about why and how to make one, I told you that ours is a work in progress. Eventually, I want our kids to play a big role in creating it, because I think magic happens when kids take ownership. But until they’re old enough, Ryan and I are gathering ideas and letting a few concepts help us guide our family. I thought today I’d share what we’ve come up with (it took us about a month) and a bit about each phrase.  

Seek Beauty and Adventure

When we first got married, we both had adventure streaks: mine for travel and his for the outdoors. For a long time, I didn’t think my interest in Europe and his interest in a campsite were particularly in line. As it turns out, what drives both of our adventure streaks is something we share—a love of beauty. We can work with that. 🙂

We hope to share the rush of beauty and adventure with our children. It’s a rush that takes you out of the relatively small life you are wrapped up in and reminds you of the much bigger view God has of you and all of His children.

Live Lightly

We’re not true minimalists, but we’re thoughtful about what we buy and what we keep. We want our family to invest in people and experiences, not things. I hope our children learn the quiet freedom of not being laden by their possessions.

Think Big

In any personality test my husband takes, he comes out as some version of a divergent thinker every time. (And if you’re thinking of the book, I don’t mean he jumps off trains. 🙂 He sees a dozen angles at an issue when I see two; he obeys rules that are based in morals and doesn’t sweat the rest. Whether or not our kids directly inherit this trait, I hope we can foster a family culture where we debate issues just for fun and ask big questions of our faith because that’s what makes us grow. We want our children to know that we are the masters of our own minds.

Do Hard Things

We want the hard things we’ve done (from hiking a mountain to moving to a new city) to become pillars in our family—experiences we talk about often and pull strength from.

Live with Passion

We want to fill our lives up with activities and people that inspire us. Currently we live in building with a lot of people who in their old age seem to be missing that. Some have no children, and as far as we can tell, few deep interests or close connections. We want our lives (and those of our kids) to be filled with things that interest, motivate, challenge, and uplift us.

There’s more we could squeeze in, but we tried to focus on the values that are really “us” at this stage of our lives. I don’t feel any pressure to get it just right since I know it’ll evolve over the years. But I do think we’re hitting on the essence of our family, and I’m excited to see these values become a deep part of our family culture over time. 

Right now, if you were to name one value your family holds on tight to, what would it be? I think it’s fascinating how different (but equally awesome) things make each family tick.

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Update! Our family modified our statement with the help of our kiddos! You can read the updated version in an ebook I have on amazon now!

How to Craft a Family Purpose Statement: A Guide to Discovering the “Why” of Your Family and Building an Identity that Will Stay with Your Children Forever

If I asked you right-this-minute what your parents believed in and what values guided them while you were growing up, how succinctly could you answer?

I’m guessing for most of us, a few phrases our parents repeated come to mind, and we can picture them leading family prayers or volunteering at the school. We’re grateful for the values they passed on to us (by example more than anything), but it would be hard to sum up their legacy in a few sentences.

When my kids are grown, I hope they can succinctly and confidently (proudly!) answer what it means to be a member of our family.

Not JUST because I’ll feel like I passed down something meaningful 🙂 🙂 but even more because I think a distilled list of values will give our kids something to look to when they come to crossroads as they grow.

So if our goal is to build families with a deep sense of identity (and thank you so much for you positive response last week!), I can’t think of a better place to start than with a family purpose statement. It’s all about boiling down your family values into something that becomes an integral part of you.

One of my favorite things about a family purpose statement is that it can help individual members and the family as a whole make decisions, as it reminds us where we want our priorities to be.

Should we use a good part of our savings to take the kids to Africa this summer, or should we keep saving for a house? Should Dad serve on the PTA board? Should Sarah sign up for another extracurricular?

It helps us loosen our grip on the things that don’t really matter to us.

In essence, a family purpose statement is the why of your family. (And you know I love a good why!)

Our family’s statement is a work in progress because I want our kids to eventually play a big role in creating it. So until they’re old enough, Ryan and I are gathering ideas and letting a few concepts guide. (I’ll be sharing our rough draft soon!)

But once the kids are ready, I have my game plan prepped, and I thought I’d share it today for anyone who wants to jump in feet first.

Create it together

Getting the kids involved—and genuinely valuing their input—is key to getting them to take ownership of what you create.

Make it a special event

To help the kids associate positive memories with writing your family’s statement, build up some hype and then kick it off with their favorite dinner or (even better) a weekend retreat.

Narrow it down

Start with a question like, “What are some phrases we say a lot?” (to which you might get some funny answers), and progress to “What are our values?” Write down every single answer you come up with. (For 20 more questions to get you thinking, read this great post.)

Then spend some time narrowing it down to what you really care about—values you would make sacrifices for before abandoning them. It may take the whole weekend or even several weeks to get to this point, but it’s worth it. Brevity will allow your children to internalize it.

You may even consider having a full-on statement, as well as an abbreviated version, like a three-word mantra or motto that even the littlest member of your family can recite with pride.

(I have a feeling we’ll be tweaking ours for years, and I’m okay with that.) 🙂

Choose values that are already a part of you

(not just ones you hope to adopt)

“Only if they’re deeply authentic can you hold on to them when it’s inconvenient, and that’s when you know it’s core.” Bruce Feiler (Love that!)

Display it! 

I really believe that what we have on our walls seeps into the mind and hearts of those who live within them, so I can’t wait to display the essence of our family. (Check here for Tsh’s family statement on canvas and here for Shawni’s.)

Refer to it often 

…in order to stitch it into the hearts of those kids who helped make it.

photo credit – and a big thank you to my beautiful friend for letting me steal pictures of her darling family!

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Update! I’ve built on this post and developed it into a more comprehensive guide, which you can now buy on amazon for $2.99! I’d love for you to check it out!

How to Craft a Family Purpose Statement: A Guide to Discovering the “Why” of Your Family and Building an Identity that Will Stay with Your Children Forever

If you remember from when I shared some easy alternatives to family dinner, my husband and I have mixed feelings about family meals. (And by mixed, I mean my husband wouldn’t mind bagging it for a few more years…)

So when we do sit down at the dinner table, I want our time to count. 🙂

With his own kids, Bruce Feiler of The Secrets of Happy Families aims for just ten minutes of quality talk per meal, with the kids talking for at least half of it. And the way I see it, if we’re going to go to the effort of serving up dinner and refilling a hundred cups, we might as well pack in some added benefit!

12 Activities for Family Meals

For a printable version, click here!

To Build Sense of Self

Autobiography Night

Ask each child to recall an experience, and then follow up with opened-ended (who, what, when, where, why) questions. Boston researchers found that children who were encouraged to reminisce retained memories better than those who weren’t. Memories also translate to self-esteem, which makes me smile even more when my son talks about the cooked carrot we tried to put on a snowman when he was two years old.

The Happy Sad Game

Have everyone at the table share one sad and one happy thing that happened to them that day. I love that this gives kids a chance to see their parents and siblings work through hard things. Feiler says this simple exercise helps children develop “empathy and solidarity with those around them.” Beautiful.

The Dinner Guest Game

If you could bring one person, past or present, to dinner, who would it be, and why?

To Build Family Identity

The “Do You Know Me?” Game. Have the kids ask questions about themselves (What is my favorite food? What do I do at recess?), and then have them answer questions about YOU (What town did I grow up in? What is my favorite book?). I love the idea of showing our children that it takes effort and thoughtfulness to really know another person.

Service Suppers. I recently heard one mom say that to combat some characteristics of the current “selfie generation,” she has her teenage children share one thing they did that day to serve someone else. What a great way to encourage children to look outside of themselves as a habit.

An Attitude of Gratitude. Ask: What is one thing you are grateful for today? We’ve done this a lot lately, and I’m often touched by the range of blessings we share in one sitting, from a deep love for grandparents and family legacy to my son’s appreciation for candy. 🙂 If gratitude is a muscle that grows stronger with exercise, I want my children to be bodybuilders!

Pain Point. Come to dinner prepared to share one sore point from your life, and allow your children to brainstorm ways to handle it. (Examples: A neighbor complained about how long you go in between mowing the lawn. You scheduled two appointments for the same time. You want to donate to the PTA, but you’re saving to buy a house.) Brainstorming together encourages problem solving skills and family unity.

Roots. Share a story from your family’s history. This one may break Feiler’s rule of having the kids do at least half the talking, but it’s worth it. If we want family identity to seep into our children’s souls, storytelling is a powerful way to achieve that. (I know it can be hard to think of stories off the top of your head, so try printing some old family photos to use as a springboard for your stories.)

To Build Verbal & Other Skills

Describe Your Day. Have each child describe their day in a few sentences—without using any words that start with a certain letter.

Tough Questions. Throw out a topic, and encourage curiosity by having the kids come up with questions about that topic. The toughest question wins. (Topic ideas: photography, basketball, Broadway, air travel, nocturnal animals.)

Similar Words. Give the kids two dissimilar words and have them brainstorm what’s similar about them.

Human Thesaurus. Toss out a common word (play, quietly, happy) and ask everyone to come up with as many alternatives as possible.

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Believe me, I know you can’t do this every time you sit down. On the nights when my ears are ringing from the wild laps the boys ran around the table right before dinner, I’m just happy when the food in their mouths has quieted them down.

You also may not have time at dinner for the whole family to share, but if you keep plugging away, I really believe those dinnertime chats will help your kids come to feel like they are a part of something bigger than themselves—your family.

You know I’d love to hear what’s happening at your table! Have you done any of these? Do you have any to add?

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Resources:

The Secrets of Happy Families by Bruce Feiler
How to Craft a Family Purpose Statement by Erica Layne 

photo credit