I know exactly what my breaking point feels like.
Over the years, I’ve noticed that I always describe it the same way (and usually not in the most collected voice).
“It feels like THIS,” I say to my husband, while spreading out all of my fingers and pointing them in toward my shoulders and chest. I bounce my hands up and down a few inches while mimicking the sound you’d hear in a horror film, right before the attacker strikes, a high-pitched and ominous, “IRK IRK IRK.”
Have you been there before? Have you been there lately?
When You’re Just DONE
If you’re an introvert or a highly sensitive person, then you may be intimately familiar with the feeling of being pushed to your edge.
When we’re on top of it, we highly sensitive people recognize where we’re headed before we’re too far gone. Some mindfulness practices and purposeful self-care get us back to a healthy head space.
But sometimes we like to pretend that everything is just FINE (thankyouverymuch), that we’ve totally got this covered. And sometimes it creeps up on us so quickly that there’s really no easy way to push reverse.
So this is a recovery guide. Aptly named, in my opinion, because it really can feel like recovery.
Even if you don’t consider yourself highly sensitive, I think all of us get stretched to this point from time to time. Raising kids and loving your partner and being involved in the world is really all it takes. This is my personal map for getting back on track.
A Recovery Guide for Overexerted Highly Sensitive People: 7 Steps for Putting Yourself Back Together
1. Communicate where you are and what you need to the people around you.
If we don’t convey our feelings to our people, they’ll carry on as normal around us, and given a bit of time, we’re likely to interpret their actions as personal affronts. Overexerted people—especially highly sensitive people—are even quicker than normal to internalize the actions of others.
On the flip side, when we DO communicate how we’re feeling and what we need, the people we love can give us more space, support us in our requests, and (hopefully) treat us with grace if we step on any toes as we move back toward a healthy baseline.
2. Give yourself permission to physically check out.
On long weekend a couple of months ago, my husband and I packed a group date, a neighborhood party, and an outdoor family adventure into three days. Add to that the usual routine of making meals, switching loads of laundry, and organizing the garage… and by the end, I was simultaneously grateful we for a beautiful and productive weekend—and utterly spent from it.
On the evening of day three, I hedged at how I was feeling to my husband but didn’t take the steps I really needed. So naturally, I snapped at him an hour later for the smallest thing. I basically snapped at him for being himself. (Palm. to. face.)
If I’ve hit the wall, checking out altogether is a MUST.
Checking out spares an overexerted highly sensitive person from negative interactions with others (like snapping at your spouse…), and it provides a quiet, controlled environment where we can begin to shake off the stress and decompress.
3. Fill yourself back up.
If step 2 is about removing something (stress), step 3 is about restoring something (wellness).
Find a few activities that consistently fill YOU up. Think: listening to soft music, taking a bath, or rubbing lotion into you hands and feet. For more ideas, check out this post: 24 Self-Care Practices for Mothers.
4. Write it out.
It’s funny how often I notice that even if I do the other steps on this list, I don’t feel truly together and can’t truly move on until I’ve taken some time to process my thoughts and feelings by writing it out. Writing it out helps me see the big picture, and I always end a journaling session feeling more compassion for myself and more clarity on my next steps.
{Related: Have you done my 7-day mini-course for introverted moms? Best reset ever! Talked Out, Touched Out: Learn to Thrive as an Introverted Mom}
5. Observe your thoughts, and choose gentler alternatives.
We sensitives are notoriously hard on ourselves.
“I’m too quiet. Why didn’t I speak up?
“I feel too much. Why can’t I just be normal?”
“I’m a bad mom/sister/wife/friend because I just can’t HANDLE LIFE.”
We’re super susceptible to self-defeating thoughts like these, so when you’re in a downward spiral, watch those thoughts closely and create gentler alternatives. For more on how to do this, read here: The Weight of Emotional Clutter + 4 Concrete Steps to Clearing It Out.
6. Let someone in.
Too often I think I need to do it all on my own, and I’ve heard from many of you that you struggle with the same thing. But opening up to someone you trust about how you got to this point—and the feelings you have about being in this place—strip away the shame and allow us to heal and recompose ourselves so much faster. (Connection is still possible, even while social distancing!)
“I would rather walk with a friend in the dark than alone in the light.” Helen Keller
7. Get outdoors.
I believe nature tethers us to our truest selves. Whether it’s by yourself for a walk or with your family for an epic adventure, getting outside is a beautiful way to reinforce the inner work you did in the steps above.
To the highly sensitives:
“Because you’re so in tune with your environment and other people, life can be pretty exhausting… But there’s nothing wrong with you and you’re not alone.” Jenn Granneman
Is Your Stress & Anxiety at a High?
You’re not alone! I know how exhausting it is to live with the constant hum of stress and anxiety—and I want to give you the tools to fight back! Use this free download to get back to a healthy, happy baseline.
Oh, how I loved this post. I’m always trying to deny the fact that I feel over exerted more quickly than I’d like. I feel envious of my friends who go, go, go a lot more than me. The acceptance is slowly coming!
Anyway, this post was wonderful.
Great post! It’s so easy to become overexerted as a stay at home mama to 2 littles and I never even knew I was a highly sensitive person until I had my first. Thank you for this post and the great tips!
Same here, Tina! I definitely think kids bring out the “highly sensitive” in us! 😉 Thanks so much for taking the time to comment!
I’ve never exactly thought of myself as a highly sensitive person, until reading this post. I DID however, think of myself as weak, touchy, and prone to anxiety and depression. I much prefer the descriptor “highly sensitive”! I’m on my road to recovery now, and learning what I can handle, and when I need to scale things back. I appreciate this post, it reminds me that it is ok to slow down and simplify, and recognize my boundaries….without comparison to anyone else’s. I’ll be looking up your self care practices, as that is an area I need much improvement on! Thank you for the wonderful post.
Oh man, can I relate to this?! I’ve thought those exact same things about myself in the past—”weak, touchy, and prone to anxiety and depression.” That’s what I love about the concept of highly sensitive people (HSP); it comes with strengths, not just weaknesses. Like how well we read people or how we can judge the mood of a room as soon as we walk in. If you haven’t already, it might be worth checking out the book—https://www.amazon.com/Highly-Sensitive-Person-Elaine-Aron/dp/0553062182/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1465963334&sr=8-1&keywords=highly+sensitive+people
Best wishes, Cindy! Keep me posted on your progress!
Well written!
It’s so comforting to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I wish I could do more sometimes but I always pay the price. Thank you.
Absolutely Erica. I have two boys, 7 & 11 and when they come home from a Long day at school, all three of us just Chill for an hour. It helps me for sure but also helps them to unwind and be more gentle to one another. Then it’s homework followed by playrooms time.
That hour of spacing out recharges all of us beautifully.
This is the perfect illustration, Anita. I need that exact same hour—the concept of it—right after my kids go to bed. I did a post a few weeks ago on happiness hacks I learned from Gretchen Rubin. One of them was to watch for and utilize “transition rituals.” I think that’s the perfect name for what you and I are talking about.
Talking is important for overexerted highly sensitive people and I see it now. Thank you for enlightening me.
This is my first time on your blog, but I just wanted to say I really enjoyed this post. I have recognized over the last 2 years that I am quite sensitive. I also have a VERY sensitive 8-year-old daughter. It’s been rough for me to parent her as her sensitivity can often irritate me and make me easily overwhelmed. We are learning and growing and we have a few strategies in place to help us both. One of our strategies is that my husband deals with all discipline issues when he is home with all our kid’s. This has helped me a fair bit to not be so easily overwhelmed by all those responsibilities when he isn’t around. As a homeschool Mom, this is especially important for me.
This is just what I needed to read. I was born with a heart defect and have learned to be a pro at appearing normal to the rest of the world, no matter how I’m feeling. Work has been sending me to this place way too often.
Wow, Joanie! I’m betting you have a pretty captivating life story. Best wishes to you!
Wonderful post and finding it now was great timing with the holidays just around the corner! I have never expected people to read my mind… and even when I do finally break i can most of the time escape to just get over it on my own without involving or unintentionally hurting anyone else in the family… but there are just some days that logic overwhelms me and the “why don’t they just get its” come out full force. Thanks for opening these topics up for review and I will definitely add in some better communication in the future so they at least have a chance to understand why I need to check out! 😉
This is my first time on your blog…love it! I just recently went back to working full-time after 5+ years off work with my 5yr old twin boys. I thought since they were starting school it would be a great time for me to start back at my career. I have never felt so overwhelmed in my life! Trying to work all day and come home to two 5yr olds, making dinner, house cleaning, etc is such a overwhelming feeling. Your post couldn’t have come at a better time. Thank you!
Hi Paula! I am SO glad you found this post at just the right time. Wow, I can only imagine what a handful that must be! Many best wishes on your transition! Wishing you minutes of downtime & recovery whenever you can sneak them!
What works best for me is Getting Out ! Going out partying or for a dinner is wonderful, better still is going out of town for a weekend or even a night. I think it completely flushes out the stress and makes you restart afresh 🙂
This is so true. Everyone needs a time out at some point. I guess the trick is not to wait ’til breaking point. I’m loving your blog today Erica. I came upon it while researching ideas on what colour to paint my piano. (I’m wanting to paint it Napoleonic Blue but after seeing your black one I might change my mind. It’s beautiful!! Okay, now I’m off to read your ‘mindfulness post on my next tab.
Cheers,
Marie:-)
Yes! The trick is figuring out where your breaking point is at any giving time and steering clear! 🙂 Thanks so much for reading, Marie, and good luck with that piano!!
I love this. Im happy i found u all. As an Hsp a mom of 2 . A police officer and the list goes on there are times i checkout. But realising atm how i feel o dont snap. So im mindful of my emotions….
So happy to have found your blog today. This post resonates with me so much. I’ll be sure to look at the self care link as I’m sure I could use to incorporate some. Finding myself super sensitive while I dig into some crucial inner work with a counsellor. Desperate to develop some mindfulness so I can pause before I react when parenting. I’ll be digging into your resources to find your treasures. Thank you ?
Thank you, Jolene! I’m so glad you found some material here that might help you in your journey. Best wishes!
What do you do when you don’t have an opportunity to check out, or any people to support you? I’m a homeschooling mom of a 4yo, in a failing relationship, living hours away from family and friends. I feel like I’ve been scraping the bottom of my emotional and physical energy barrel for so long, I’ve dug a well.
I work nights while kiddo is with his dad, but I hardly call that a break, since I do phone tech support and do a lot of managing of other people’s big emotions, which drains me just as dry as managing my kiddo and his big emotions, plus an unpredictable co-parent in the mix that I walk on tiptoe around.
This is my first time on your blog. Thank you for a great post! I am an INFJ – HSP. The above things are so very real for me and it’s comforting to find there are so many others out there like me. It takes lots of effort to keep from hitting the breaking point and snapping, especially since everyone in my daily life is pretty much as opposite as you can get from me. Can’t wait to reread this article when I start getting overwhelmed in life! I look forward to reading more of your blog!
Hi Char! Welcome! I’m glad to find a fellow INFJ-HSP as well! It’s intense inside these minds of ours! But I really believe it’s possible to find more relief and balance, with effort, so I hope you’ll stick around! Best wishes!
These are all great points. I also would add that we can lessen our sensitivity to stressors over time.
I don’t like to call myself over-sensitive because to me that means impatient, short-tempered or domineering. (It took me awhile to realize I could be domineering by being overly-emotional or sensitive. Others worry about upsetting sensitive people) I don’t want people to feel like they need to walk on tiptoes around me because I am too sensitive, especially the children in my life.
Sadly, there have been times in my life when this was true. As I’ve aged those times are less, in part because I’ve done some of the things you mention but also because I made an effort to work on not being quite so sensitive about things. I still have a long way to go!
Thanks for finding ways to encourage others through your blog in such hard times.
I thought there was something wrong with me for not being able to make myself do the steps in Rachel Hollis’s next #90 day challenge. Now at least I have a better idea of why it is so hard for me.
None of this stuff used to be hard for me and I really don’t understand why it is now.
Great post, super useful, but I wish I was named something else. I would love to share this with my family. They will look at it and say – “Oh – you ARE too sensitive. You need to toughen up!” Like there is something wrong with me and I just need to get over it.
Could you retitle this, “Recovery Guide for Introverts”, or “Recovery Guide for Empaths”… something that doesn’t make us sound like we are wrong for being what we are. I don’t feel like I am too sensitive, just that I get overloaded because my introverted brain gets dopamine overload from being around other people and having to act like an extrovert when I’m not wired that way. Thanks!