25 Active, Compassionate Example Boundaries (+ A Formula for Creating Your Own)

Boundaries help us live cleanly. They’re a check for us—to ensure that our actions are aligned with our values. They also help us stay out of resentment, protecting us from offering more of ourselves than we want to give.

Boundaries are the ultimate form of self-care.

Two Things Boundaries Are NOT

1. Boundaries are not about expecting other people to honor them.

In our culture, we often talk about boundaries as if they’re something we can set and then expect other people to honor.

But—as you may have noticed—the people in your life are fully-fleshed, autonomous human beings, with their own set of preferences, values, and priorities. Even when they have the best of intentions, they will never uphold your boundaries like you can. (They’re just not YOU!)

Therefore…

Boundaries aren’t about expecting other people to honor them; they’re about defining how YOU will honor them. (I go into more detail on this in episode 9, so I highly recommend listening to that one if you’re interested in boundaries.)

2. Boundaries are not passive.

Effective boundary statements are active! They’re not just an expression of what you need or what you want to change. They’re not “I need this” or “He’s doing that wrong.”

Instead, think of a boundary as two parts: an if/when clause, followed by an action.

In the simplest terms…

“When _____ happens, I will ______.”

Using this formula will ensure that the onus of your boundaries is on YOU—and it’ll give you precise action to take, every single time.

How to Know What Boundaries to Implement

Now, a caveat about this list. This is a list of example boundaries, NOT a checklist of boundaries you need to adopt. I’m sharing them to help you see my boundary formula (“When _____ happens, I will ______.”) in action, but no one could keep this many boundaries top of mind at once. (That would just be intense!)

Here’s how I suggest implementing boundaries:

Take a look at your life, and notice ONE area where you’re currently feeling some frustration, anger, or resentment. Ask yourself if a boundary could help you stay out of those feelings and live more in alignment with yourself.

If so, create a simple statement using our formula: “When _____ happens, I will ______.”

Write it in your phone notes; put it on a post-it on your computer. Do whatever you can to help yourself remember and uphold it.

And remember, don’t tackle more than one or two at once.

Example Boundaries: Your Kids

• When my kid tries to interrupt me, I will remind her to put a hand on my arm and wait until I’m at a stopping point.

• When my kids ask me to do something, I will ask them if they’ve put it in the Reminders app.

• When my older kids come into my room after 9pm, I will remind them that I’m no longer available but will be happy to help in the morning.

• When my kid leaves her backpack on the ground, I will ask her to pick it up before she has her snack.

• When my teen rolls his eyes at me, I will immediately (and kindly) ask him to apologize.
• If my child violates our agreed-upon social media rules, I will use Apple screen time settings to block all social apps for a week.

• When my kids forget their homework, I will allow them to experience the natural consequences.

Example Boundaries: Your Partner

• When my partner is using his phone at dinner, I will kindly and directly, not passively, suggest we talk instead.

• When I feel triggered or activated in a conversation, I will take a time-out and walk around the block.

• When I notice myself using absolutes about my spouse (“He’s always late.” “He never follows through.”), I will poke holes in my own thought patterns. (“Has he ever been on time?” “When have I seen him follow through?”)

• When I’m tempted to say “I told you so,” I will not. (He already knows!)

• When my partner spends family money on something I didn’t agree to, I will initiate a discussion rather than letting it simmer.

Example Boundaries: Your Extended Circle

• When my mother-in-law makes a passive aggressive comment about my kids, I will not make it mean anything about me as a mother. (Her stuff is HER stuff!)

• When my friends start gossiping about other friends, I will ask one of them how their parents are doing (to move the conversation to something I feel better about).

• When I’m asked to do something, I will say, “Let me get back to you”—to give myself the time to honestly evaluate my capacity.

• When my boss asks me to take on another project, I will say, “I’ve got {this project} and {this project} spinning as well. Which of these would you like me to prioritize?”

Example Boundary Statements to Use with Yourself

• When my kid is melting down or talking back, I will breathe deeply and focus on regulating myself so I can be a safe place for her.

• When I realize that I’ve forgotten something (an appointment, a birthday, etc.), I will take 10 minutes before bed to do a Mental Clear-Out.

• When I break a habit I’m trying to set, I will focus on my “next, best choice,” rather than telling myself that I’ve failed and giving up.

• When my credit payment is due, I will review that month’s purchases before paying.

• When I think I don’t have time for rest and relaxation, I will remind myself that rest and relaxation actually allow me to get more done (and to feel so much better while doing it!).

• When difficult emotions come up, I will practice identifying the sensations in my body and allowing them to move through me like a wave, rather than ignoring and surpassing.

• When difficult emotions come up, I will no longer judge and criticize myself for having them.

• When I realize that I’m spiraling on negative thoughts, I will bring myself back to the present and ask myself, “How am I safe right now? How are things GOOD right now?”

I hope these example boundaries were helpful and have given you a great starting point for creating your own!

Let’s end on Prentis Hemphil’s powerful words:

“Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”

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More from Episode 41 of “Life On Purpose with Erica Layne”

Here’s what else you can hear in the latest episode of the podcast!

• Try-On Session: A segment where I propose a new thought you can try on for size. Today’s thought is a reminder that you are good, and you can trust yourself.

Listen to the full episode in your favorite podcast app, or in the audio player below! And be sure to hit follow!

Apple Podcasts | Google Podcasts | Spotify | Overcast | Stitcher

Show produced by Astronomic Audio