For the first time in recent memory, I am not bone tired tonight. Instead of wishing the couch would swallow me whole, like I do every night, tonight I sat upright at the computer (still wearing a bra!). I edited photos, re-conceptualized my blog, strung together some family videos. I straightened the kitchen and folded a load of laundry—after the sun went down!
Two weeks ago, my husband took the boys camping overnight. After an entire day of having only Quinn to take care of, I wrote those sentences in my journal.
Fast forward a few days, to when my husband and I watched a Ted Talk that introduced me to a graph that appeared in the book Stumbling on Happiness. It combines four studies to show the average level of marital satisfaction during the course of any couple’s life. As you can see, marital satisfaction bottoms out when your children are toddlers and then again when they are teens.
Then I made the connection. If Ryan had come home from work on that night when—for once!—I wasn’t bone tired, how would I have greeted him? If it were just us, would we have grabbed the keys and gone to a favorite restaurant? Would we have stayed home to watch a movie but instead talked until it was way too late to start it?
YES!
OR would I have been watching the clock knowing I needed to catch some sleep before it was time to get up with the baby? Would I have been wishing he’d notice how full the trash bin was and volunteer to take it out? Would I have been quick to take offense over something trivial?
On that particular day, when I had gotten plenty of rest and personal time, probably not.
The problem is that a lot of the time, marital dissatisfaction doesn’t feel like it has much to do with the kids. We say to ourselves, “Sure, some of my husband’s habits drive me nuts, but what does that have to do with the kids?” Or, “Yeah, it seems like we don’t have as much in common anymore, but what does that have to do with the kids?”
But in answer to that, we have to ask: “Would that bowl he left in the kitchen sink bother me so much if I hadn’t already done two loads of dishes that day?” And, “Would it feel like we have more common interests if we actually had the time (and a babysitter!) to allow us to pursue them together?”
Some marital conflict is related to the kids. I hope you know from reading this blog that Ryan and I are loving raising our children. They make us laugh and smile constantly! In no way am I saying that it’s not worth it, because I strongly believe that it is. (And that it will be.) But I also think we need to be honest about the fact that it is a sacrifice that will put some strain on your relationship.
If you have small children, your job is physically and emotionally draining. It is no wonder that after an entire day of constantly meeting needs, you feel like you have little to offer to your spouse! But this is a stage of life; it won’t last forever. If you and your spouse both recognize this, you can offer each other a little more grace. You can take things with a grain of salt and work together to find ways to cultivate your relationship within the framework of raising children. (For example, Ryan and I discovered years ago that datenight does not work for us. After an entire week of caring for the kiddos, I’d rather take my makeup off than put in on. I’m much better company on, say, a Saturday lunch date, after a good night’s sleep.)
So my point is, if you feel like you’ve been in the depths of motherhood for so long that those days of dating your husband are blurry in your memory, as if they were a lifetime ago rather than a few years ago—take another look at that graph. If you’ve wondered why you get snappy quicker than you used to, or if you have ever looked at your spouse and, just for a second, felt like you don’t really know him anymore—take yet another look at that graph.
You are normal. You are a parent.
And the next time you look at your husband across the dinner table, over the clamor of little people asking for more milk, remind yourself that once those clamoring sweethearts are out of the house (or at the very least, out of the toddler years!), you and that guy are going to be a different kind of happy.
But better yet, remind yourself that with enough intention and cooperation, you can still have plenty of that happiness now. Especially when your husband takes the toddlers camping. 🙂
What is one thing you and your spouse do to stay connected in the midst of raising children? I’d love to hear!
Linked up with Grace at Home and On Your Heart. Welcome to any first-time visitors!
I hate when I have those nights where I’m just irritable and impatient with my husband. It’s not fair. I try to just recognize it and snap out of it, but sometimes it’s unavoidable–especially when I feel like I’m not getting enough help around the house. That’s when I know I need to get out of the house!
Thanks, Colleen! Yes, some fresh air and a bit of space often do wonders! 🙂
Love this. Everything about it. And I laughed at “(And that it will be.)”
I don’t have any great tips today, some days are harder than others 😉
Haha, now there’s some honesty! Some days ARE harder than others. 🙂 See you very SOON!
I find this graph really comforting in that I’m not the only one who finds that my marriage suffers due to the utter exhaustion associated with parenting young children. On the other hand, I’m terrified by the dip marital satisfaction takes during the teenage years! Thankfully, we’ll have quite a few years in between to remind ourselves that we do, in fact, REALLY love each other 🙂
Thanks for the perspective!
I know! I think when I saw the Babble founders introduce the graph on the Ted talk, the guy called it something like “the most terrifying chart a new parent has ever seen.” Understandably!
Thanks so much for the comment, Evanthia!
Ooo, this is good, Erica. That graph surprises me yet makes me feel much better about the long run. My husband and I discovered about a year and a half ago the value of setting aside time for each other. We were very negligent about date nights; now we plan at least one a month. Even just that little bit of time makes a huge difference. Thanks for this post!
I LOVE this one! I need to try to be more patient with my husband (AND kids!). What a good reminder to us. I’m gonna have to leave this up for Dan to read too.
Haha, that is like the ultimate compliment – leaving it open for your husband to see later! Thanks for telling me. Guess I’ll keep writing!
Great post and very validating. I remember especially thinking this when Sierra was first born. Having kids completely changes your relationship. It makes it so much easier to be irritable and to notice the negative when there’s a new little person to wear down on you 24/7. But even still, that indescribable joy Sierra gives us is irreplaceable! Its worth it to be parents! And trudge on through until the teenage years….:)
Loved reading this. Thank you for the insight, sweet friend!
So it appears marriage is a little like building muscles. Stress them, wear them out, fatigue them and they come back stronger. Do it again and they come back stronger yet. My four children are my weight set… and I am grateful we added our weights one at a time. More power to parents of twins, triplets, quadruplets. I am also grateful I have my wife to “spot” me during this “weight training” phase we are in. One question about the chart… am I to be discouraged if I have a child in each of the “down” phases? 🙂
Thanks, Steve! You and your wife must be pretty darn strong, with four kiddos in the house, no matter how many you had at a time! 🙂 And I have no idea how to answer your last question, about having kids in each of the down stages, because I have definitely never been there! Good luck! And thanks a ton for taking the time to comment.
We do date days. We wait until the little one is at playschool and grab a lunch date (kid free) maybe every other week…schedule permitting…if he is in town. lol Now, that a new one is on the way, I think we will have to go back to the drawing board.
Erica, thanks so much for this post. I really feel like I needed to read this one today. 8.5 months in and I am starting to feel like I have been neglecting my relationship with the husband a little bit (we both have). And I have been trying to think of intentional ways to show him my love. It is good to know it is just a season, and that most everyone goes through it.
Thanks so much, Allison! And yes, I definitely think everyone experiences it, at least to some degree!
Lovely post and a good reminder during this time of barely treading water. Thank you.
I was recently at a play date with 2 woman expecting children. One was expecting her 7th and the other her 2nd. The one expecting her 2nd got bright eyed when she heard this other woman was expecting her 7th and said, “Oh, I have to many questions for you!” We all laughed but then she picked just one question, “How often do you and your husband get out on a date? And how much do you pay a babysitter?” (I guess 2 questions :)) Anyway, her response surprised us all. She said “Once every single week!” Say what!! So she went on to explain, “It is our marriage insurance. We pay home insurance, car insurance, life insurance. We pay insurance to protect all our most important possessions, so what’s more important than our marriage? So our cost for babysitter and date nights is our marriage insurance.”
Amazing advice and way to look at it, right?!
Sorry for all the typos. I should have proof read before sending! 🙂
An excellent, wise post–as usual! Thanks so much for sharing this!
This was so great to read. Just that simple reminder of who we are in the midst of two chaotic toddlers. Thank you. I also thought to myself often that we “know” this going into parenthood that we will change as people individually and in our relationship but we are never prepared for exactly when or how that change will take place. It’s only when we read something like this or get out and talk to each other or even a friend that we are reminded that it is a phase and it is challenging us to be better/different people… if that makes sense 😉
Absolutely, Christina! I could never have pictured how parenthood would change and stretch me, and I (like you) really hold on tight to those reminders that it’s for my good. Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment!