I know I’ll miss these years, too. Just like I miss the early days of Ryan and Erica.
I wrote that line in 2007, two years after Ryan and I were married. I was looking back on the euphoria of our dating days and looking forward to the excitement of adding a baby to our family. Three months pregnant, deep in an Indiana winter, I was eager to be in any phase other than the one I was in, but I knew I should try to appreciate the present.
Turns out I was wrong, thinking I would miss those years.
I don’t.
We argued over driving directions on our honeymoon. (OUR HONEYMOON!) We could not for the life of us figure out how to share household maintenance. We endured one heck of a roller coaster of pregnancy.
We had doubts about each other and ourselves.
At one point (definitely when I was pregnant!), I decided we were just not compatible. It was the most disheartening conclusion I have ever drawn.
Do you know one thing that surprised me about marriage? The newlywed stage isn’t bliss for everyone.
Oh and one more thing?
Just because it started that way doesn’t mean it will stay that way.
If someone had told me the night I slept in our car—because I was too frustrated to possibly share the same space as my husband—that I would glimpse the bigger picture sooner than I thought, I would have held on to those words like a lifeline.
If someone that night had told me that, so gradually I’d barely notice it, I would stop asking God why He let us come together because I could finally see why myself—I would have taken my pillow, locked up the car, and gone back up to our apartment.
Because usually, when you’re in it, all you see is the mess.
But at some point down the road, whatever the outcome, you’ll see—
It was never random.
Ryan + Erica, 2005
Linked up with Grace at Home, Wifey Wednesdays, and On Your Heart.
Marriage is certainly not easy to say the least, not even during the honeymoon stage. There always seems to be something going on to dishearten you, doesn’t it? But you have to stick with it–especially if you feel you truly love the person you’re with. Life’s a roller coaster and so is love. You have to take the good with the bed and be ready for those loopty-loops!
Our bible study met yesterday and talked, among other things, about what would we say to ourselves ten years ago. A few: “It gets better!”, “You’re doing fine.” and “This was not a mistake.” Lots of words of comfort and hope to our newly married or single or small-kid wrangling selves.
How beautiful! It’s the same with raising kids. In the moment, it all seems like chaos, but taking a bigger view, it always works out in the end!
It was so reassuring to read that someone else feels the same as I do! Marriage isn’t easy and it especially wasn’t easy when we first got hitched. Glad we aren’t the only ones!
Stopping by from SITS Girls Comment Love–have a great week!
I am stopping by from SITS and am so glad I did. I am going to bookmark this post for friends who get married and expect easy, blissful times!
My husband faced a difficult time in his career the first year we were married and he was just miserable. The first year of my marriage is the one I remember least fondly. We are halfway through our 12th year of marriage and I would say the majority has been very happy. It is work though!
I think it is so hard to start right off with a hard year, because you wonder if that’s how all of them are going to be! I’m glad your other 11 have been smoother sailing! 🙂 Thanks for visiting!
Sometimes things just seem to flow more easily and readily than others. It can be tough occasionally, I agree.
#SITSblogging
This is such an honest post. I don’t know how many people would be willing to admit that “the honeymoon period” wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be. I know I feel that way about it in certain respects.
I love how you write. I’m a new mommy and your posts on mommyhood are so touching. New follower here 🙂
Love your vulnerability! I think we’ve all done something ridiculous to get away from sharing space when we’re that frustrated; I love hearing yours. One night I escaped to buy milk and ended up sleeping at a friend’s house. 😉
Thanks, Alaina! I admit I sat on this little post for a couple of weeks. It’s not alllll that fun to tell everyone you’ve slept in the car (more than once!), but I think those little details need to come out so that people know they’re not alone in feeling ALONE sometimes in marriage. I know you agree. 🙂
Btw, I watched (and loved!) that vulnerability Ted talk. You sleeping at a friend’s that night was a great chance to BE human, be vulnerable, and I bet it strengthened your friendship with that girl. I’ve been thinking lately about the chances I haven’t taken to be vulnerable. (Future post, probably!)
I’m a new follower too! 🙂 Boy can I relate to this post. The newlywed phase in our lives was hard work. So was the first newborn phase. So was the first teenager phase. I’m starting to see a trend here… But after nearly 17 years of marriage, four beautiful boys, a lot of heartache and so much joy, I can truly say it was never random. And luckily for me, besides the newlywed phase, I get to do all the other ones again and again and have learned to enjoy each one.
Wow… thank you for sharing this. My fiance’ and I have been together 7 years, and only got engaged a year ago. We are getting married in September. I know that we have our tough times now… so I had pretty much known marriage wouldn’t make things perfect, even in the honeymoon stage. It’s nice to hear that I’m not the only one who gets so angry that I sleep somewhere else, or can’t bear to be around my partner. Thanks for this post. It is great! #SITSblogging
Hi Emily! Considering you and your fiance have known each other 7 years, where my husband and I knew each other about that many MONTHS, I’m guessing your adjustment will be a little more natural than ours! 🙂 And YES, I too am relieved to hear that other people sometimes can’t share the same space with their loved one, even if just for a few hours or a night. You have a great week – thanks so much for popping over!
This is an a awesome quote! And you’re are so right! Life is never random. 🙂
Coming from the Comment Love Tribe
-Elle
Thank you for sharing your heart and you experience! There were several years for us that marriage seemed really easy. It almost wasn’t fair to our friends. 🙂 Since then we’ve struggled some here and there but we are determined to not only hang in there but to thrive.
Every stage in life is difficult. Everything is new and we have nothing to base our decisions on. I went through hell and back five years ago and if I could tell myself something then it would have been “You will get through this, this will pass and you will come out better than before!”
Stopping by with comment love from your SITS group!
Beautiful. I have always loved the real views of marriage because you are right not everyone is in bliss during the honeymoon stage. All people go through ups and downs in their marriage it’s what you learn from it and that you grow strong that I think is what matters. Again, so beautiful! <3
Thanks so much, Kathryn! I agree 100% that we all go through the ups and downs. I just want people to come here and feel like they are not alone in it. 🙂
Hope you and the kids are hanging in there! You’re in my prayers!
This was beautiful…and so true!
Thank you
best,
diane
Dropping by from SITS girls today.
#SITSBlogging
I was really touched by this post. I am going through some pretty rough times in my marriage. I recognize that nothing will ever be the fairytale we dream of, but at what point do you realize whether you should keep fighting or just give up? How much is too much to cope with?
#SitsBlogging
Hi Erica! (I feel a special bond with people who share my name. You too? 🙂
I’m so sorry about the hard things you’re dealing with. I don’t imagine there are many questions in the world that are harder than that one. Nothing helped me more in my marriage than having someone (at one point a friend, at another a counselor) to talk things through with. I hope you have someone in person to talk to, but please feel free to email me anytime. letwhylead at gmail. Best wishes, Erica!
Stopping by from the SITS list! Glad to have come across your blog again. 🙂 Blessings!
I know you already have a lot of comments on this one but I just had to say that I needed to hear this today. I have felt so bad because we never had that “honeymoon phase”. We argued over stupidness from the beginning and it made me worry so much. How can 2 people who just got married going to make it if they are already fighting? Almost 2 years later we are finally settling in. It is like we are doing things backwards. The love is there but we are just both right and not so good at compromise but we are working on it. We have a child now which set us back because we both think we know which is best on these issues also. He is a do what we think is right and I’m a let’s do some research person. Like I said, I really needed to read this post today.
I needed to read this! There’s a whole lot of my journey with marriage in this post for sure! Thanks again, Erica! 🙂
Awww! God does know what is he is doing even if we don’t understand it…especially going through the midst of it all… Others don’t understand the relationship that I have with my husband..we are complete opposites but we both love each other and we both love God. We understand each other and when we have issues like all couples do we seek God to help us understand it all… there is no perfect marriage..there is just the marriage that works because you want it to work and you fight to keep it together and keep an open mind to what God has in store for you.
I love this post! My husband and I went through a “honeymoon phase,” although we’ve definitely gone through tough times (and come away happier) since! Marriage is hard work:) P.S. I’m in your SITS Girls Tribe.
Wow. What a post. I’m so glad to be stopping by today for #SITSblogging. I can relate on many levels to what you describe here. Marriage is so hard. Thank you for sharing & I look forward to reading more of your blog!
That first year was definitely one of the hardest for us (our only more difficult year was when my son was a few months old and we found out we were pregnant with our second.) I think we both brought up divorce on our first anniversary! We’ve been married for over thirteen years now so I am glad we didn’t give up that first year.
That was SO sweet! I really REALLY loved reading your words. Thanks for keeping it real. Too often everyone likes to pretend that life and relationships are all sunshine and roses. This was GREAT. 🙂
Thank you for your wise thoughts! I believe that all just married couples have to read it together, both the text and the comments. I have the God blessed marriage for over 20 years and try to share my successful experience ( as well as this article) with my just married relatives. I tell them that all fairtales are ended by the wedding day. No one wrotes about their routine life, starting the next day. Only two people can keep and bring fantastic fairtale mood in their family life, but it is a hard DAILY job for two. Thank you again! I believe you helped many families to overcome through difficulties in their new family life.