The Marriage Diaries: Fighting the Pull to Drift Apart

A big welcome to Jill Anderson today! Jill is our last contributor to this round of the Marriage Diaries! I hope you’ve enjoyed and learned from the series, as I have, and please feel free to leave feedback. Also, if you’re interested in writing for it down the road, let me know. Maybe I’ll go for a round two in the spring! 

I took piano lessons from the time I was 5 until I was 14. I probably complained about them for 7 out of the 9 years. Perhaps even eight. But here is the thing about all that work I put in back then. As an adult I can pick up pretty much any piece of music and play it. I can play for pleasure, stress relief, entertainment, and even a random wedding or two for money. All those years of doing something I didn’t always enjoy have led to a lifetime of enjoyment. A lifetime creating beautiful music.

I’ve been thinking of those piano lessons a lot lately as I have two daughters who are complaining their way through lessons. And I’ve been thinking about it a lot in relation to marriage.

I think far too many of us stand in front of our family and friends and declare, “For better or worse, until death do us part,” but have no idea of what the worse part really means. It isn’t completely our fault. No one goes into marriage giddy about the prospect of it getting hard. But listen to the vows at the next wedding you attend. They predict that every marriage will have a bout of sickness, poorer and worse. It seems to be a guarantee.

The thing about those times is that marriages are made so much stronger for the hard parts. I think this is true of many things in life, but hard times can be even harder when you experience them in marriage.

It seems as though the inverse should be true. Going through something hard with someone by your side can be so empowering, feeling as though someone else has your back. Still, going through something hard while trying to communicate well, continue to be selfless, deal with someone else’s feelings that may be different from your own…. well that can also be a recipe for disaster.

The last year has stretched our marriage as we have taken on a foster child. She has added a level of complexity to our life that has definitely stressed our marriage at times. We have had to have some really hard conversations. Foster care isn’t for the faint of heart. There have been so many times it would be easier to check out, stuff my frustrations and retreat to my own personal world. And sometimes, I admit, I have.

While this year could have easily driven a wedge, we have fought to instead grow closer together. The natural pull to drift apart seems to be one we have to fight against. But what we forget in the hard times is that, just like my piano lessons, putting in the work in the short term to work on our marriages, especially when it would be much easier not to, is what allows us to spend the majority of our lifetime enjoying them. On paper it sounds simple. In practice it is so much harder.

Just like piano, the practice is what makes the difference. And then we can create the most beautiful music together.

Jill has been married to her husband Ryan for 12 years. They have three children and one foster baby. She has been blogging since June of 2007 and can be found sharing about family, faith, food and fashion at Just Jilly. She would love to connect with you on Twitter or Facebook. 

{photo credit}