The Marriage Diaries: Do All Couples Settle?

A big welcome to Alisa Bowman and any readers from Project Happily Ever After. As I said when I introduced the series, marriage is hard to talk about, but this woman is doing it well. Thank you, Alisa!

 

More than 15 years ago, I was still a young vibrant slender thing and all my friends were, too. We were gathered at a friend’s apartment, and we were sipping wine. As things go when you are young and full of pinot, the conversation turned to love.

“I want someone who sweeps me off my feet every single day,” one friend said. “I will settle for nothing less.”

“I think that fades after a while,” I said.

“No!” my friend declared adamantly. “It won’t for me.”

“No, really,” I said, thinking of my long-time boyfriend, soon to be my husband. “Mark, when I think of him, I don’t get all weak in the knees. But he’s the most supportive person in my life. That’s what’s really important.”

Another soon-to-be married friend agreed. Soon the conversation became a debate between the singles and the soon-to-be marrieds, with the singles accusing us of settling and us accusing the singles of being so picky that they would end up being alone for the rest of their lives. I was firm, loud, and on the edge of angry, and so were they.

How could they accuse me of settling!?! Well, you know how it goes, right? Most of us only feel offended by the insinuations that hit too close to home. Deep down, I was wondering, “Am I settling? Am I making a mistake?” I just didn’t want to admit it, not even to myself.

Mark and I married about a year later. About six years after that, we had a baby. About two years after that, I firmly believed I’d married the wrong man. My husband was running a business that wasn’t turning a profit, was rarely home, didn’t help with the parenting, and seemed to prefer to hang with his buddies rather than with me and our child. I was still up at night with our toddler, working long hours to pay our bills, and handling pretty much all of the home tasks with the one exception of yard work.

You might say I was resentful because I so was. I referred to myself as a single mother with a deadbeat husband, and that role had me so overextended that I was literally getting sick from the stress. My hair was falling out, I constantly had a cold, and I’d lost so much weight that even my 90-year-old grandfather was now asking me about my health.

I felt cheated. Where was the supportive man I’d thought I’d married? Now, not only did I not have romance, I didn’t even have someone to talk to. I got into bed alone, long before he came home from his carousing with friends. We ate no meals together. We hardly ever talked. When I had problems, I sought help from others.

How could he not see what was happening to me? To our family?

“I guess you know your relationship is in trouble when you complain about your spouse to your friends rather than complaining about your friends to your spouse,” one friend told me.

So true.

Let me tell you: I came very close to walking away from my marriage. Then a divorced friend encouraged me to do something productive, something other than ranting, venting and complaining. So I read about a dozen marriage improvement books, and I dedicated myself to putting their advice into practice.

Low and behold: the advice worked, especially the advice about communication and assertiveness. Within mere months, my marriage was turning around. I found that my supportive man had never left me. He’d been there, always. But, because I didn’t tell him what I wanted and expected, he didn’t deliver it. Once I learned how to communicate in a language he could understand, he stepped up and become a more devoted father and husband.

Within a year, we were taking a second honeymoon.

And now six years later, I can tell you something with confidence: marriage gets better and better, as long as you put in the effort. This past Thanksgiving: he cooked the entire meal, even brining a turkey overnight and also cooking several vegetarian options just for me. He and our son go for bike rides together. And he and I have wonderful date nights where we eat great food and, quite often, enjoy each other’s silence.

Do we stay up talking all night? Never. Are we wild and passionate? Not often. Would I describe him as someone who sweeps me off my feet? Not really.

But he’s my best friend, and he knows me better than anyone.

So did I settle? Perhaps I did, and I have not one regret.

Those single friends who debated with me all those years ago: They’re still waiting for Mr. Just Right to walk into their lives.

But I’m guessing that, if I asked, they’d say that they have no regrets, either.

Alisa Bowman is a journalist who writes about relationships and other topics for several national publications and websites, including Family Circle, Parents, Prevention, and Babble.com.

Her memoir Project: Happily Ever After tells the story of how she saved her marriage, and her related blog ProjectHappilyEverAfter.com has been voted a top marriage site several years in a row. You can connect with her on Facebook.