Using Positive Sentiment Override for a Happier Marriage

I’m so excited to have my cousin and lifelong friend Alaina Chatterly here today, talking about a concept—”positive sentiment override”—that really struck a chord with me. Alaina is a marriage and family therapist, a busy mom of three, and an awesome photographer based in the Salt Lake City area. I was so inspired by her post, and I hope you will be too! 

Positive Sentiment Override.

What does that even mean?

In a word, it’s brainwashing.

What?!

I know, the very word puts a dirty taste in your mouth. Brainwashing is something for cults and crazies.

But hear me out.

When you feel positively about your marriage and the person you married, so positive that even really hard things can happen without upsetting the balance, you are in a winning situation. Your life is happy and your marriage is lasting because your happy foundation is secure.

In his book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, John Gottman describes Positive Sentiment Override this way: “Positive thoughts about each other and their marriage are so pervasive that they tend to supersede their negative feelings.”

It’s as simple as that. Focus on the positive; remind yourself of all the good things.

And when the bad winds blow your way, you try not to let the little ones get to you, you deal with the bigger ones together, and you keep doing/focusing on what you can to keep the scales of positivity everlastingly tipped in your favor.

“He’s so handsome.” “He is so good with the kids.” “I am so lucky he goes to work every day for us.” “I love the way he…” “We are so great together because…” etc. etc.

Thinking these thoughts regularly, writing them down, sharing them with him, with your friends, with your journal, or anywhere else you can think of puts weight into the positive, rewarding side of your marriage.

“Fondness and admiration are two of the most crucial elements in a rewarding and long-lasting romance. Although happily married couples may feel driven to distraction at times by their partner’s personality flaws, they still feel that the person they married is worthy of honor and respect.” (Gottman)

All of us are completely human, completely faulted, and completely unlovable sometimes. Of course you can nit-pick your spouse to bits. Instead, choosing to focus on the things you respect and admire will pay off hundred fold in how you view this person you have chosen to live your life with.

We commonly hear that “Marriage takes work” or “It’s one of the hardest things you’ll ever do”—but what does that mean?

What is this “work” people speak of?

How about the work of journaling positive things? How about the work of keeping an ongoing gratitude list about him, you, marriage? The work that goes in to a love note board where you list things you love? The work of holding your complaining tongue in check and saying mostly nice things?

Work can be anything you do to nurture your positive sentiments about him, you, and your marriage. Date nights. Time for the two of you. Reminiscing about your early days. Re-reading all of the positive things you’ve written, alone or together. This is a preemptive sort of work that—here’s the amazing part—is fun to do in the meantime. It makes you feel happy. It makes love grow.

Notice I said preemptive. This means that even in a very happy marriage we should keep working. Creating and nurturing positive sentiment override is like taking a daily vitamin; the effects and safety from it build up over time.

It’s a relief, in a way, to know that we don’t have to be perfect or married to perfect people to be perfectly happy.

And if it takes a little brainwashing to be that happy, bring it on.