This post is a followup to my recent one on Motherhood as Identity.
I recently stared composing a list in my head of things I say to my kids that may border on unusual. The list starts out innocuous enough . . . Please tell me I’m not the only one who frequently tells their children, “I’m your mom, not your maid.”
Then it progresses to “I’m a person—I have feelings too.”
Or how about—after hearing one of the my kids say, “I don’t want to”—my reply: “We all do things we don’t want to do. Do you think I want to wipe your buns every day?” (After which I usually feel a twinge of guilt for admitting that I don’t enjoy some of my caretaking responsibilities.)
And lastly, my personal favorite / one I feel the weirdest about: “I’m all done! I’m off the clock! I’m not Mom anymore; I’m just Erica!” I probably say this a few times a week as I’m fleeing their room at bedtime.
It has slowly dawned on me that the commonality in this list is that I am more than a mom, a caretaker, a mess cleaner. Maybe I don’t need to feel so uncomfortable saying those things to my children because I actually WANT them to know that I am someone beyond the woman who tells them to pick up their dirty socks. I have interests and talents and passions that extend beyond shuttling them to swimming lessons or assembling a Lightning McQueen puzzle.
I want them to recognize that in me AND seek for it when they are grown. When my sons have become men, I want them to search for a potential wife who will care for their children but will also nurture herself as a woman, a person, an artist, a humanitarian, a creator, an intellectual—whatever else she wants to be. I want my soon-to-be daughter to derive confidence from her interests outside of motherhood and to believe in her ability to contribute to the world, starting in her home and extending much further.
I don’t know exactly how I will raise children with this vision. One step at a time is enough for me. But I do know that it has to start with me. So for now—for today’s step—I think I’ll ditch the guilt when I let them know that I’m Erica too, in addition to Mom.
Do you find yourself saying similar things to your kids?
Oh my goodness. This is me 100%. You are definitely not alone. This is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. Thanks for the post!! I think there are times that I’ve forgotten that I am Emily and I need to reintroduce myself to…. myself!
My mom used to say something like, “I’m doing the best I can…I’ve only been a mom as long as you’ve been a kid!” I like to think I only overheard her saying this to my older brother (the oldest). Surely I never gave her a reason to reach that limit 🙂
Haha, I am totally going to use that! Thanks, Alicia. And I’m sure you never gave her cause. 🙂
I really needed this post. Beautiful writing, miss Erica!
I definitely need to remember to calmly explain this to my kids so that I don’t lose it and scream out my personal needs like I did Sunday. It wasn’t my best moment. After a long morning of what seemed like a continuous stream of meals, snacks and craft projects I finally sat down, exhausted by a long week and a terrible ear infection. Both boys were complaining because I had told them I was taking a break, craft projects were done for the day, and the next snack time would have to wait. It seemed, in the moment, that yelling at them was my best option, but upon reflection, I probably could have quietly explained my needs as a human being.
Thank you, Tiffanie! Your comment really made me think, because a lot of times I probably deliver those statements (of my own needs) with a bit of irritation in my voice. (Some times more than others, obviously!) But that might not be helpful if what I’m really trying to teach them is how to respect another person’s needs, even their mom’s. Teaching them lovingly would be a lot more effective! However, I also recognize we’re all just doing our best, and sometimes the “I’m not the maid” comment is still going to come out pretty forcefully! 🙂 Have a great night, dear!
This is great! I feel this way all the time and my baby isn’t even born yet! I definitely don’t want to lose my identity just because I become a mom. Thanks for the script I’ll use to remind my children of that. 🙂
Thanks, Jennie! It is an uphill battle for any of us to keep sight of who we want to be. You’ll get it, though!
Great, thoughtful post! I’m sure that I’ve said: “I’m not your maid!” Keep up the wonderful writing!
This sounds just like me on some days!! I feel like my life is spent cleaning. I will look at my boys and tell them I am not going to be their maid for the rest of their lives. They need to help! My oldest will look at me and tell me he doesn’t want to clean. I ask him if he really thinks I want to be doing what I am doing (cleaning up after 5 boys can be exhausting). I told him sometimes in life we have to do things we don’t want to do because it just has to get done. Plus, if it is done it gives me more time to do fun things with them. It is still an ongoing battle, but they are still really little. Hopefully it will get better as they get older and they will know that mom likes to do things other than being “mom”. Thanks for the post!!
Connie – I cracked up at how you said FIVE boys, because my grown-up boy certainly counts as one of them too! 🙂 I try to teach the same things – Like when our house is clean, I try to point out how nice it feels and how much easier it is to feel peaceful and to feel the Holy Ghost when our home is tidy. But for the most part, they’d rather just run around pretending they have arrows coming out of their bodies! (That was yesterday afternoon. 🙂 It’s an uphill battle!
I tell that to my boys too! I ask them if the church and the temple are dirty. One day my oldest and I were flipping through the channels. We came across the hoarders show. I let him watch some of it. He was amazed at how messy and cluttered the house was. I told him that is why we clean.
That’s awesome! Hoarders is the perfect motivation for me, too! It’s funny we’re having this discussion, because just now I took a second off from making eggs to take a drink of my smoothie, and Trenton said, “Mom, you’re not working very much.” What?! My “I’m a person too, not your maid” comment came out pretty quickly, but at least I pulled it off calmly! 🙂
I laughed outright at your, “I’m off the clock!” phrase. So good! I’ll have to remember that as my kids start understanding more of what I say. I love this post! I think it’s so important to have interests outside of motherhood, and I’ve got to re-discover some of mine.
You’re SO right about the importance of your identity. God calls us to be moms, but He doesn’t stop there! My four boys are older now, and our relationship has changed, but it’s lovely. Our husbands play a big part in fostering that, too. Great post, Erica!