marriage wholehearted living

I Have Been Changed

Erica Note! This is a guest post from Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui, joyful living educator and writer of A Life In Progress. What I love about Krista is how willing she is to get vulnerable with her readers, and this post is no exception. Enjoy. 

I sat on the cold rental chair in my tub, naked, barely holding back my tears. My husband had rushed home from work on his lunch break to help me bathe and dress. Simple tasks I was unable to perform by myself in this season.

At the age of 41, I had recently undergone a total hip replacement, a challenging surgery and, in my case, recovery. My leg was twisted and lengthened slightly, a metal pin pounded into the bone while I lay, cognizant of what was happening. A muscle tore the day after I was released from the hospital and the oxycodone and ice barely touched the fire in my leg.

Not even in the throes of birthing my babies, surrounded by strangers in sterile gowns, had I felt this naked. Soul laid bare.

And as my husband passed me the shower-head that morning so I could wash my bruised and swollen body, he looked me straight in the eyes and told me I was beautiful.

I was beautiful.

In the middle of one of my deepest valleys his words pierced deep and straight to the core of all my insecurity and shame. To the long-held belief that I was a failure. More trouble than I was worth. Undeserving of love or goodness or faithful companionship.

And I began to be changed that day. By overflowing, abundant grace.

The truth is my husband and I both came into our marriage, 23 years ago, carrying loads of fear and insecurity. It has taken us years to learn vulnerability with each other. Probably 15 years passed before I began to trust that a fight did not mean divorce. That my husband would not leave me.

He loved me when I was at my heaviest weight and still binge eating. He would hold my hand when we first met, carrying part of my weight because I lived in chronic pain and already knew I needed a hip replacement. He stood by me when we lost my mom and my world fell apart. When I sometimes spilled rage all over my family because my anxiety was so intense and I had not yet learned to ask for help.

And yet, I just didn’t believe that his love would persist. How can you truly receive the love of another if you don’t actually love yourself?

Things got worse before they got better. As soon as my surgeon gave me permission I set off every 6 weeks or so to see my dad who was dying of cancer. I’d stop my minivan each hour to get out and walk a few minutes, cane in hand, lest a blood clot develop. I wasn’t ready to lose a second parent. But we buried three family members that year.

And after we buried my dad I crumbled. I had tried to be strong as long as I could but now, weak and weary, tumbled head long into a place that was dark and deep and I was not even sure I wanted to come up out again.

I felt like I was drowning in a lifetime of pain and rage and fear. I was letting everyone down. My beautiful kids. My husband. But what I couldn’t see is that what I thought would be the death of me was the messy, scary process of healing and letting go.

Sometimes deep wounds must be opened up so they can be cleaned out once and for all.

I was learning that I didn’t have to earn my keep or prove my worth. That yes, I was a little cracked and broken but that was not the fullness of my story. I slowly came to see that life can be both imperfect and awe-inspiringly beautiful. I began to release fear and open up to love and possibility.

I was being changed. By quiet, persistent grace.

I won’t pretend that I emerged from that season of loss and pain without scars; I’ve never really been the same since. But what I have lost in stamina or energy to keep up, I’ve gained in a deeply rooted belief that I am worthy of love and compassion. Broken but beautiful, as my husband affirmed that difficult day five years ago. That I am enough.

I have been changed by grace.

16 Comments

  • Reply
    Krista
    September 12, 2017 at 6:29 am

    Thank you for opening up your doors for my guest post, Erica. Everytime I read the line “I was not even sure I wanted to come up put again” I feel it in my gut. I remember. And I don’t ever want anyone else to feel that way. xo

    • Reply
      Erica Layne
      September 12, 2017 at 11:55 am

      Proud of you for diving into those difficult feelings so that the rest of us can benefit. Thanks for being here today, Krista!

  • Reply
    Crystal H
    September 12, 2017 at 6:43 am

    Krista, once again your posts are soul touching and healing. Thank you for being you ❤

    • Reply
      Krista
      September 12, 2017 at 7:13 am

      Thank you, Crystal. xo

  • Reply
    Emma
    September 12, 2017 at 11:53 am

    What a beautiful grace message. Thank you for being brave enough to share Krista. xo

    • Reply
      Krista
      September 12, 2017 at 12:18 pm

      Thank you, Emma ☺️

  • Reply
    Linda
    September 12, 2017 at 1:14 pm

    I have been thinking a lot about grace this week. I have been grieving the loss of my niece in a tragic accident and caused many wounds to be reopened and I have been trying to clean them out for good as well.

    • Reply
      Krista
      September 12, 2017 at 8:13 pm

      I am so sorry for your loss, Linda. Hold on to the truth that the valley is temporary. I’m sending you ♥️

  • Reply
    karen
    September 13, 2017 at 3:25 am

    This post. Thanks for sharing..

    • Reply
      Krista
      September 13, 2017 at 9:22 am

      I appreciate Erica inviting me here and thank you for reading:)

  • Reply
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    September 15, 2017 at 11:33 pm

    […] Since its replacement, my hip no longer plays the barometer as it has since childhood but my body feels cold to the bone and shivers in anticipation. […]

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    Lisa
    October 25, 2017 at 7:38 pm

    Your ability to dive in deep is so comforting and refreshing. This is yet another beautiful piece of your soul handed over with such grace and honesty, which is healing for all of us. Thank you for letting us in, and showing us what self love and compassion looks like. ❤️

  • Reply
    Kristy
    October 26, 2017 at 12:58 am

    Oh my goodness I can’t believe how vulnerable you let yourself be. I am not that brave. But am so inspired by your bravery.

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