The Life On Purpose Movement

A community of women doing life with intention

Lost My Light

motherhood / by

I lost my light for a few days there.

Maybe longer.

By the time I got the kids down every night, I had NO willpower to do anything beyond shrivel up in my warm bed.

I was giving my kids the best I had and my husband whatever was left, but I knew I had lost it. I had lost my light.

—

It came back the other day.

I was in the middle of vacuuming, three kids darting in and out of my path, when Trenton bonked his knee. I saw him shrinking to the ground and I shut off the vacuum.

He tucked his knoby limbs into my lap. (I try never to miss a chance to hold him, now that I know my chances are numbered.) Quinn edged her way in between us, concerned, and Chase (ever unaffected) chattered away at my feet.

And I felt it come back, my little light—my spark—right there among the vacuum strokes as the sun faded outside the window.

Sometimes motherhood is like that. You lose your spark. Maybe you’re distracted; maybe you’re disappointed in yourself. Maybe you’re working to quell some resentment; maybe you think everyone else is doing better than you. Maybe you’re just tired of the mess.

Or maybe there’s no big reason at all.

Whatever it is, it happens. We lose our light, but we keep giving to the people we love, and somehow, it makes its way back.

It comes back.

—

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Comments

  2. Lorie

    Yep! I seem to cycle through this more than I would like. I find myself having to reevaluate, self reflect, refocus often and it helps me find my light and purpose all over again. It’s always found again in those loving moments with our kids!

    • Erica Layne

      Me too! I’m glad to hear you’re a frequenter of the cycle too. 🙂 For me, sometimes the cycles are short and sometimes they’re long, but there’s pretty much always another around the corner. 🙂

  3. Katie @ Wonderfully Made

    Girl, I so needed this today. I think as moms we often feel like we can’t say we are experiencing burnout, but the truth is motherhood is hard work. Rewarding, wonderful work, but hard work, and I think we need safe spaces to be able to share that. Thanks for being honest both about losing that spark and how you got it back!

  4. Missy June

    yes – it’s good to remember that if we keep putting one foot in front of the other, taking care of self, the light will come back. I loved that you validated that sometimes we just have to work to quell the resentment.

  5. Sierra Burton

    Just one of the many reasons I love your blog is that you are real with us. You don’t live behind this mask that your world is perfect. You share with us your hard times and for that I’m grateful. I really look up to you and seeing that you have hard days makes me feel a lot better about my hard days. So seriously thank you!

  6. Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect

    Thank you for writing about this, Erica! I haven’t had a good grip on my light all year. I’ve felt it flickering a bit more lately so I’m hopeful it will show up for real some day soon. It’s encouraging to know it happens to other people, too.

    • Erica Layne

      Thanks, Mary! I LOVED how you said this so much. I definitely go through long seasons like that too, where it’s just plain HARD to keep it glowing for long at all. (What comes to mind for me is pregnancy!)

  7. Leigh W.

    I identified with this, Erica! I think you speak well for Everywoman. I find that it helps when I am excited and hopeful about something–maybe something I’m learning, or something I plan to do in the future–in order to keep my light burning, though sometimes a big flash of happy in the present will bring it back and keep me warm for a while.

  11. Jessica

    This touched me deeply. I’ve never quite been able to put words to that occasional feeling, yet here you describe it perfectly. Thank you.

    • Erica Layne

      Hi Jessica! I’m a bit late saying so, but I wanted to thank you so much for your sweet comment. Best of luck capturing that light – I need the luck too! 🙂

  12. Evanthia

    Been there! It’s sometimes hard to admit that we’ve lost that spark, but we all do. We’re supposed to be so put-together all the time. Thanks for the reminder even when we veer off-course, we’ll find our way back.