We all say it. I’m a “bad” mom, a bad sister, a bad wife, a bad friend. We toss it out there casually. I slipped and said it just last week. My husband, with impressive reflexes, said, “No, you’re a great mom,” and I continued my monologue without missing a beat. 🙂
I think we say it because it bonds us as women, since we all feel it sometimes.
We say it because self-deprecating talk and humor is relatable—even lovable. (My favorite people make fun of themselves.)
But by saying it, whether or not we really believe it, we’re giving everyone around us the okay to say it too.
And some people really do believe it.
And even more than that, the words we tell ourselves become the way we see ourselves. I love this perspective from Wayne Dyer, American philosopher, speaker, and author:
“The state of your life is nothing more than a reflection of the state of your mind.”
Our thoughts have power.
You are not a bad mom, a bad sister, a bad friend, a bad wife, a bad person. You’re human, just like the rest of us, but you are enough.
{Related: 21 Ways to Celebrate Who You Are Right Now}
Sometimes a quick switch from one word to another can make a big difference, especially if you do it over and over again. Scientists call it neuroplasticity: our ability to carve new pathways in our brains. Here are six positive substitutions to try next time you’re tempted to describe yourself, even in casual conversation, as “bad.”
1. Purposeful. “I may not be perfect, but I am purposeful.”
2. Persistent. “I got angry with my children yesterday, but I’m persistent, and I will try again today.”
3. Considerate. “I’ve stepped on family members’ toes in the past, but overall, I’m a considerate sister and daughter. My loved ones’ feelings matter to me.”
4. Perspective-filled. “I’m discouraged about my relationship with my spouse, but I have enough perspective to believe that these experiences are shaping us.”
5. Hopeful. “I’m dealing with some depression and anxiety, but I have hope in the options before me and the support network around me.”
6. Kick-A awesome. “I don’t always get it right, but I’m showing up. I am a kick-A human being!” I’m not the swearing type, but if a little enthusiasm helps you kick “bad” to the curb, I fully support it. 🙂
Best wishes to all of us as we change the voice inside our heads!
Photos from Simplicity Photography in Salt Lake City, Utah.
I’m going to be really honest and share that my toddler had a horrible, horrible biting problem recently and I bit him back. I love when you wrote, “I got angry…but I will do better today.” Yes, I messed up as a mom. I made a mistake. But I’m going to be better today and more patient with my son. I’m going to teach him to stop biting without actually biting him back. Because what I am I really teaching here?
Hi Lauren! Your openness—and positivity despite the circumstance—brought a smile to my face this morning. 🙂 Hang in there – you got this!
I just had the SAME experience last week, with the biting. I’m pretty sure it has been even more traumatic for me than it was for her. And I’ve had a pretty negative inner voice running since then.
Thanks for this sweet reminder of different ways to look at things. Some amazing things can happen with even a small shift in perspective.
Yes! We are all in this together! Glad I’m not the only one dealing with a biting issue 🙂
My daughter attempted biting me just today, and I thought of you both! 🙂
This is a great post. I love your suggestion and it’s one I need to model in front of my kids. My oldest has started having those negative thoughts (the “I always mess up, and I’ll never be better” kind), and it breaks my heart … and then I see myself thinking the same thing an hour later and I realize where he got it from. I especially like reframing yourself into a persistent person — that no matter what you do, you are going to keep trying and get better. Great suggestions, Erica!
PS — your husband is awesome to chime in on the RIGHT words you should be telling yourself! I do think spouses and friends are good people to confide in to help combat those pessimistic thoughts.
Hi Beth! You were up early this morning! Thanks so much for your comment. Oh man, thinking about my kids saying those things and getting down on themselves really pulls at my heart too. I wouldn’t say they get it from you, though; they’re just human like the rest of us! 🙂 But yes, I love the word persistent too. All we can do is our best.
You have a great evening!
It helps me to view myself from the perspective of others. As a child I never thought my own mother was bad, I would never consider a friend less than for her weakness and as a partner I know I can be challenging, but I also bring a lot of benefits. When I am a friend to myself, I am a lot more gracious and gentle with me.
My husband will not allow the kids to say they are bad at something. He immediately corrects them and asks them to say that they are still learning said skill instead. Although there are definitely things I’m less talented at it’s a good reminder to me that every skill is at a different stage of learning and there’s nothing I should rule out and think that I’m not capable of learning.
Oh man, I love that. I really admire you guys as parents! What a thoughtful way to help them rephrase. We’re all “still learning.” I’m gonna do that with my kids, too.
Perfect timing-I needed this today! I’ve got a tiny baby with a rotten cold, I can’t make her feel better. I haven’t showered, eaten proper food or done anything that isn’t nursing or rocking. My house is falling apart and I’m exhausted. But I AM doing a good job. I see that now. Thank you!
Hey lady! I’m late saying so, but I wanted to chime in and say how touched I was by your comment! I remember some of those feelings. I used to call it the Baby Takeover. Hang in there, and cut yourself a whole lotta slack for a good while! It’s about doing the essentials when you have a baby in the house. No overachieving allowed! 🙂
Love the sentiment and that quote from Socrates! We really are all doing our best, and it’s too easy to forget. Thanks for the reminder 🙂
What a great post this is! It is so true, simply switching from one word to another can change a whole lot – and I loved the examples you gave with the positive substitutions, so good. I’m definitely going to try to use more of those!
You have a lovely blog, Erica, and that photo of you and your daughter is breathtaking! I’m sure that will be one she will treasure as an heirloom. Thanks for this kind word to all of us. We really do need to listen to some of the things we say to ourselves. We certainly wouldn’t put up with those same things being said to our family or friends! This is very encouraging, my friend!
Hi Beth! Thanks so much for stopping by! It was sweet of you! You have a good afternoon.
What a great post! I love love LOVE your substitution words, what a way to lift up and empower ourselves to BE the mom we want to be instead of get caught up in our shortcomings. I will have to remember to do this! 🙂
I can’t write exactly what is going through my head right now, but thank you for this. I needed it.
I’m glad to hear it. Best wishes, sweet girl! Hang in there!
Great post Erica! Purposeful. I am not perfect, but I am purposeful. LOVE IT!! THanks for sharing 🙂
Wow, I LOVE this! Those words are ones every mother (myself included!) need to start using.
YES! I needed this.
Wow. I LOVE your ideas for reframing the “I’m a bad . . . ” thought into something positive. It can be SO hard to do that in the moment. This post is resonating with me so much after a particularly draining and discouraging week where I had my moments of believing myself to be a pretty hopeless mom/wife/human being. And while I personally believe that as a human I am not inherently good, I believe I have been given grace and forgiveness to cover over all of the bad and the mistakes. And I agree 100% that it isn’t helpful or profitable for us to speak so disparagingly about ourselves!
Thank you for expanding my vocabulary – sometimes as a mom we get stuck on the same words that are so limiting and don’t describe us accurately. This is so healthy to read – great alternative sayings!
I have a negative voice in my head. I’ve even gone so far and named her “Agnes”. Sometimes I have to physically pluck her off my shoulder, stomp on her and tell her to just shut up! 😉 Thank you for the positive words to replace the bad ones. I too have a son that is a perfectionist and very hard on himself. I have to remind him that he is Chosen, Beloved, A Child of God and that he needs to try his best but that he will make mistakes because he is human, and we ALL make them. He gets so frustrated with himself. I realized that I do the same thing, and I needed to lighten up. They are little sponges just soaking it all in….good and bad.
Hi Andrea! They really are sponges, aren’t they? Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. It honestly brightened my day, just knowing how well you relate.
Do you mind if I ask how you came across this post? Thanks so much!
Wow, wonderful blog! Such an important message for many.
Thank you for writing, I often talk about that inner voice. I too had that voice, leading my like a puppet. I have to work every day to remind myself what voice to listen to and to teat myself with care.
Bravo!
Hi, Erica!
Thanks for this lovely post. It’s such a great reminder of the fact that we’re not perfect, and that we’re doing the best we can! It’s not easy being a perfect mom, friend, sister, spouse, etc., and being a good one every single day!
I qualify for most of the points you mentioned above, and just recently reached a level of complete dissatisfaction with myself. I have two wonderful children that I yelled at yesterday, a loving husband, who I had a horrible argument with yesterday (in front of the children 🙁 ), I have anxiety disorder, and nerve-wrecking Tinnitus in both ears.
I have tears in my eyes, as I’m writing this, and I’m sorry for having written it already. But I had nowhere to turn to with my pain, and your lovely post just happened to find me at this difficult time. Coincidence? I don’t know, but thanks for listening!
With Love, Monika
I’m so sorry, Monika. There’s never any need to apologize for telling your honest story. Especially here! It sounds like you’re in a really hard stage, and I can relate. Sometimes (all of the time?!) it takes all I’ve got to be a wife and a mom, and when I fall short (which is often) of what I expect of myself, I’m usually pretty darn hard on myself. It sounds like you are too. But just know that you’re not alone, and please drop me a line (a comment, an email, a facebook post – whatever!) when you need someone to listen!