I’m happy to introduce you to a favorite blogger of mine, Anne Bogel from Modern Mrs. Darcy. She writes about everything from self-care to family relationships, but she threads it all together with an ongoing narrative about books. I love books and have gotten so many recommendations from this girl! Welcome, Anne—and thank you for participating in the Marriage Diaries.
If you’re new here (welcome!), I’d love for you to check out what this series is all about.
I was 21 when we got married; my husband was 22. Despite being young and clueless we did a lot of things right: we knew each other well, we admired each other, we turned toward each other. We had a solid foundation and—despite the warnings that the first year is the hardest—our married life got off to a great start.
But there was one thing we were horrible at: conflict.
Our communication in general has always been good, and we’ve never fought much. I used to think this was a good thing, but it turns out it doesn’t really matter much how much a married couple fights: what really matters is how they fight.
We fought poorly.
When we first got married, we didn’t know how to fight. Our instincts were unhelpful, and we lacked the tools to work through the inevitable problems that crop up in marriage.
We’ve come a long way since those awkward and unsatisfactory fights from our early years together. We’ve learned a lot about disagreeing—and getting through it—over the past decade or so. It’s made approaching conflict easier, but not in the way you’d expect.
Sure, we have a few more tools in our toolkit these days, and that helps a little. But the biggest boost has come from learning more about the realities of marriage, and more about our marriage.
When we got married, we didn’t know that most conflicts in marriage aren’t even solvable. There’s not a “fix” for every problem, and realizing this took a lot of the pressure off: we weren’t aiming for a perfect solution to every disagreement, just one we both could live with. Getting to that solution is often painful, but it’s possible.
We’ve also come to terms with the fact that conflict is hard for us as a couple, and likely always will be. It’s no wonder, if you look at our personality types: one of us fears conflict, the other ignores it. We’re not exactly a dynamic duo when it comes to working through our disagreements.
Far from an excuse, understanding our personalities has opened our eyes to our blind spots, and helped us give each other—and ourselves—the grace we need to work things through.
All these years later, we still fight poorly. I thought it would get easier over the years; it hasn’t. But in a strange way recognizing that it’s hard for us—and that we’re not striving for a perfect solution to every problem—has made it easier all the same.
Anne Bogel is a starry-eyed dreamer who loves talking big ideas over a good cup of coffee–especially if the topic is good books, womanhood, or MBTI geekery. She puts a timely spin on timeless women’s issues at her blog Modern Mrs Darcy. You can also find her on Facebook, Twitter, or with her nose in a new favorite book.
Oh goodness, yes. We are not great at fighting around here, either. Fortunately, in our seven+ years, we’ve found less to fight about and are more on the same page about things than in the past. I both fear AND avoid conflict, my husband avoids it, so we can relate for sure. I remember one time, within that first year, we lived in a studio apt. and were in the midst of a fight. Gabe went into the bathroom- the only room with a door- and I just left. It was likely 10 at night, and I got into my car and drove around, ignoring his phone calls. I’m definitely an avoider. Thankfully, we no longer live in a studio, and we are better as resolution than back then. 😉 I’ve never done that since.
Thanks, Mandie – I can relate! I remember taking a pillow to my car because we lived in a small apartment and I just wanted some space. (Or maybe I just wanted to ignore it, like you did!)
I think in the last few years, I have become more comfortable with not agreeing, which has definitely helped. I love Anne’s reminder that plenty of conflict is not even solvable. The perfect, tidy resolution doesn’t always have to be the goal.
Thanks so much for commenting, and have a great day!
Oh my goodness, Mandie, I can totally relate to this (as I’m sure you can imagine). I went on a whole lot of late night runs (like, the kind with jogging shoes) that first year just to cool off a bit. 🙂
I had to learn how to fight. I came from a background of abandonment and was terrified that if I wasn’t a good and agreeable wife then he would leave. So I would just turn my back and hide from his eyes and try to make myself invisible. It drove the poor man insane. We had some counselling, I got braver and now I fight really well when I need to. It is less scary and I get that it is important. He is still here, which proves that I was wrong and fighting is healthy if you do it ok.
I agree about no perfect solutions, though, despite the fact I always think my solutions are!
Haha, Gina – Don’t we all?!
What an inspiring story. It’s not often that we hear the perspective of needing to learn to argue. Also, there is so much security in knowing you can voice yourself without fear that the other will leave. Thanks for the reminder not to take that for granted. Best wishes to you!
You’re not the only one who’s had to learn how to fight! I have several friends who have literally–as part of personal mentoring situations–had to sit at a table and listening to a married couple argue. Arguing kindly, and well, and lovingly, but arguing all the same.
“We’ve also come to terms with the fact that conflict is hard for us as a couple, and likely always will be. ”
Wow, that is really wise. That’s going to be really helpful.
I love this line: “when we got married, we didnt know that most conflicts in marriage aren’t even solvable.” It reminded me of the best advice I got while engaged: “sometimes you can work it out, but sometimes marriage just means learning to bear with each others’ weaknesses.” Thanks for a great article.
I wish I’d gotten that same advice when I was engaged!
I had the same problem when I first got married. One of our main issues was fighting while separated (like via text or email). That is one of the worst ways to fight! We were constantly misunderstanding each other and reading “implications” that weren’t there. Live and learn!
Oh for sure, Tiffany! It’s so easy to misinterpret tone or to read too far into something via written correspondence.
I love the honest here. What you brought to light is what we all need to read. It refreshed my soul, and blessed me to read this.
I can so relate! My husband and I are both conflict-avoidant/conflict-fearful, but now that we know that, it’s helped us deal with issues that need to be addressed. Thanks so much for sharing this!
Really? It’s good to hear we’re not the only ones!
My husband and I have recently been talking about conflict, thanks to the discussion guide about conflict provided by our church for the small group we lead. (In other words, we didn’t have a choice!) It’s something we’ve worked on over the past year or so…but have far to go. He avoids conflict in our relationship, and I…well…I’m kind of like the proverbial dog with a bone and tend to value being RIGHT over being happy or loving him well. But being aware of these tendencies – and why they’re not okay! – have really helped us a lot. Heading over to read more about how lots of conflicts aren’t fixable now…that’s an idea that goes against my fixer personality, so I’m interested to hear more!
Great advice Anne. Our first year of marriage was so easy – bliss! And I used to think that we must have a really great marriage because we never fought. 😉 Then I realized we DO have a really great marriage… but not for that reason! We had many other reasons, but we DID need to grow in our communication (and still need to). I can relate to so much of what you’ve said here and I think it’s so important that we never stop learning about how to have healthy (healthier) relationships, especially with our spouse. A few days ago I was really mad–fuming mad–at my husband and didn’t want to kiss him goodbye in the morning. Then I realized how immature I was being and said, “Wait! I want to kiss you goodbye because I love you. I’m angry, but I still love you!” *kiss kiss* It helped to diffuse my own anger (he wasn’t mad – just me, ha!) and be better able to have an adult discussion about it all later on when I had simmered down a bit.