He was looking down at the ipad when he said it. A nonchalant “Just don’t talk about it.” I don’t think he even looked up.
We were on a long drive—Ryan and I in the front of the minivan with our three kids strapped in behind us in the middle row. Trenton had a front row seat to our argument.
And you know what? He was right. His comment stunned my busy mouth into quiet, and it wasn’t ten minutes before Ryan and I had moved on.
Let’s talk about fighting.
This recent Wall Street Journal article challenges the notion of not fighting in front of your kids, suggesting that seeing reasonable disagreement can help children better navigate future conflict within relationships. I didn’t see a lot of constructive fighting in my home growing up, which is probably why for the first couple years of our marriage, my MO was sassing off and then running away to wallow alone in our bedroom. 🙂 (I think I’ve improved since then.)
I don’t mind if our children see some of our conflict, as long as we are maintaining respect for each other. We believe that tension—being stretched to tautness—is a normal and even healthy part of life. Tension forces us to look harder at ourselves. Even when we don’t welcome it (and honestly, I never do), it forces us to grow.
I want to talk A LOT with my children about conflict, so that they can learn to recognize and reign in their feelings. So that they can learn self-control—something I am still (and probably always will be) learning myself.
But all of these ideals don’t mean a lot if we can’t figure out how to model debate in a marriage. (Ryan would hold hands fighting if I’d let him. Unfortunately, I have NOT progressed that much. 🙂
So how do you handle it? Do you fight in front of the kids? Do you cut it off and then pick it up again after bedtime? Do you have any rules or safeties? Have you started to notice how perceptive your kids are? Sorry for the 20 questions, but I can’t wait to hear what you guys are trying! I’ll respond in the comments with more of our story, as well.
Thanks for taking the time to participate! I’ve gotten some of my best ideas from you!
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I am so glad you brought this up, Erica. I think it’s great to explore how others tackle conflict resolution in their marriages! When my husband and I feel ourselves getting into a disagreement that is turning into an argument we make an effort to pause, go do something else separately to keep the argument from downward spiraling, and then *write* to each other – usually in an email. This way we can collect our thoughts and pinpoint what is really bothering us rather than piling unrelated issues or feelings that truly bear no weight on the problem at hand. After we both have had time to read through each other’s thoughts and see the “I love you” at the end of our notes, we sit down and come up with a resolution to the problem. We are very open about this process because our hope is our children will learn it’s ok to express their opinions and disagree with others as long as they channel those opinions and disagreements in a positive way to engender trust and honesty in their relationships. I look forward to seeing what other folks say! Always looking to improve and learn from others!
That’s awesome, Katie! It don’t think it gets more productive than that! I tried writing out my feelings when we first got married, but we found that it wasn’t Ryan’s style, so we’re back to regular old talking. (And since I’m a bit of a firecracker, it’s sometimes more than talking!) I’m inspired by how you’ve found a method that works for you and is positive for both you as a couple and for your children!
I’m a firecracker too! So glad to have a kindred spirit 🙂 We tried lots of different things and finally found that writing helped me cool my jets but it’s taken a lot (years!) of practice and still does! I think what’s most important is to do exactly what you’re calling all of us to do – explore ways to discuss difficult topics and how and when to argue – because it’s going to happen! I always learn from your posts and really enjoyed this one. Thanks for writing from your heart!
Firecrackers unite!
I really think I’ll work the writing thing back into my conflict toolkit. I’m the same way as you in that writing definitely helps me cool my jets. I can write in my journal (or on some stray piece of paper that I later throw away – because my initial thoughts are often a little overdramatic), boil it down, and then talk it through with Ryan. Thanks for the great idea and encouragement!
We try not to fight in front of our son – even tense discussions (or discussions about day-to-day life) sometimes upset him as he is very empathetic.
On the flip side though, I totally agree that letting your children see conflict (and healthy conflict resolution) is a good and needed thing. We do have several safety boundaries in place and will often call a timeout in the conversation if we feel like it’s escalating to unhealthy conflict. It’s hard though. We’ve definitely had many fights in front of our son and we just sort of pray for grace for that.
I’m hopeful that as our son gets older and my husband and I have more experience with healthy conflict resolution, that we can use those conflicts as a teaching opportunity.
How sweet that he is so empathetic. My mom always says that’s how I was as a toddler. If she even raised her voice at my siblings, I’d burst in to tears. (I’ve only semi-outgrown that. 🙂 The article says that studies show that babies react to their parents’ fighting even when they are asleep. So I definitely think it is important to try our best to use caution and control.
And yes, I agree that practice and experience make a huge difference. Ryan and I have ironed out a lot of differences in our eight years, and I look forward to improving our relationship, in hopes that we can have positive influence on our children’s future conflict skills.
Love this post 🙂 my husband and I argue like most couples. I can tend to be pretty selfish about our fights. When my husband would ALWAYS want to just talk about things later, I HAVE to have things resolved right away. We do argue in front of the kids, but it almost never goes on long. He will simply tell me to calm down and we will discuss things after bed time. The problem is that once we finish up our day and get ready for bed he will pass out and I want to finish our conversation. I get pretty frustrated. This was and sort of still is our biggest marriage issue. I understand that having a heated discussion before bed is not the best way to end the day. When he can see past our disagreement and fall asleep so easy, I’m wide awake overthinking (like most women do) about whatever it was we argued about. My point here is in our home, if we don’t argue in front of the kids, we won’t talk about it at all. My step daughter is 12 and very awear of our actions. She is at such a tender age so I try my best to avoid fighting in front of her all together. Our son is 3 1/2 and is starting to understand enough that his reaction is to ask us lots of questions… Daddy, is mommy mad? Mommy and daddy are you ok? Mommy just be happy ok. It makes us both a little sad to hear him say those things. I don’t think we are doing any damage, I think he is taking in the situation. It might sound strange, but I think he is learning about the different emotions we all have. I always tell him that instead of crying and screaming, we are using our words to show that we are unhappy with something. Unless the arguing is abusive and or all the time, I see no problem fighting in front of your kids.
*typed this all with a 3 year old jumping on the bed and holding a 5 month old wiggle worm 🙂 excuse the errors
This sounds like my family EXACTLY! Thanks for sharing. XXO Kristen
Kristen – I’d like to just thumbs-up your comment. 🙂
Hi Katherine! I LOVED your honest comment! Like yours, my husband would definitely prefer to talk about it later, but I too am more the get-it-out-now type. Over the years, though, I’ve started to see the value of bringing the subject up (so that he knows what’s on my mind) and then shutting my mouth until I can more calmly and cohesively articulate myself. 🙂 That doesn’t mean I always manage it, but I try!
I also TOTALLY relate to not being able to fall asleep and being semi-infuriated that he is sleeping so obliviously next to me. 🙂 I’ve sometimes had to retreat to the couch when that thought was bothering me too much to allow me to sleep. Haha.
I think it’s great that you are trying to give your son context to any disagreements, like teaching him that we all experience a full range of emotion that needs to be worked through.
We often have short arguments in front of our children and my 3 year old also comments on our disagreements. “Don’t talk mean to Daddy!” “That’s not nice!” “Your voice sounds mean!” etc. She is honest and open and almost always right. It reigns us in. Sometimes I would really like to continue arguing because I am angry, but with an adorable 3 year old at your feet correcting your obviously poor behavior, changes must be made. We usually apologize, recognize that we are using unkind words or voices and try again. I will admit our behavior does not always improve as quickly as it should, but often her reprimand stops us in our tracks. I find it is beneficial for everyone. Our daughter calls out our bad behavior and then gets to watch us model (hopefully) some self restraint and humility. I hope that she can see how we try to correct ourselves when we have crossed the line into incivility. It also makes me more patience when I correct her behavior with her sister and expect immediate results. It is hard to calm yourself and become civil immediately. Who knows maybe my daughter will cure me of my sharp tongue one day, here’s hoping.
I’ve been glad that the things we argue over are just dumb little things. He likes to talk about it and I don’t really want to. Sometimes in the end, I cry which then he feels bad and cries and then we’re both sad. I like to sleep on it and I wake up just fine in the morning. I feel bad though because he still feels kind of sad the next morning. I guess we’re a work in progress. (Just like everybody else!)
Great post! I have no advice…our son just turned one (yesterday!) and we are trying to figure out how to navigate these waters ourselves. I agree with you that healthy stress/tension and conflict resolution are important…but some things should probably wait to be discussed behind closed doors. -Andrea
Definitely, Andrea! Sorry I’m late responding, but I wanted to say thank you. Your blog is beautiful! Love that Steves quote on your about page. Following along on bloglovin! Enjoy the rest of your weekend!
That just makes me laugh that Ryan would argue holding hands. I can’t even imagine! Its so interesting that everyone has their own style of handling conflict and figuring out how to make it work in a marriage! I haven’t even considered what it will be like when Sierra and other kids are old enough to understand. That’s a whole new ballpark!
We just had this discussion the other day (after arguing in front of the kids). It’s hard to stop yourself in the moment and return later, but if you can do it, returning later takes the emotion out of the argument and lets you discuss more calmly, which is healthier anyway. And your kids don’t have to feel the contention in the moment.