This post is specific to my faith as a Mormon (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints) and a Christian, but feel free to draw parallels with your own. Thank you for visiting!
We are a people with a long list of do’s and don’ts.
Usually (and unfortunately, because they aren’t central to our beliefs), the don’ts stand out more than the do’s. Don’t drink alcohol. Don’t smoke or drink coffee. Don’t date until you’re 16. Don’t have premarital sex. Etc.
Our faith also includes a great many do’s. And I mean a great many do’s. Volunteer (a lot) in your local congregation. (Our congregations are entirely run by the members—no paid clergy.) Regularly attend the temple. Gather your family every Monday night for family time. Have daily personal scripture study and prayer. Have daily family scripture study and prayer. Pay tithing. Fast the first Sunday of every month. Give service wherever and wherever you can. Attend various church functions. And plenty more.
The thing is, all of the do’s and don’ts can be distracting. At times in my life, it is as if I’m checking all of the boxes, saying, “See God? I’m good! I’m doing what I should!” However, I’m discovering that checking boxes for the sake of checking boxes doesn’t bring me closer to God.
Slowly, quietly, I’ve come to believe that is why I do what I do that matters. I don’t believe in a God who is watching with a tally sheet in hand. I believe in a Heavenly Father who wants me to know Him and His son. Who wants me to feel of His love and see His hand in my life. As far as the do’s help me achieve this (and they certainly can!), I will continue to do them.
But I do not feel like I can do them all at once. It is not who I am. The God who created me—who knows me better than anyone else—made me {Erica Layne} as someone who needs to do less.
Running wears me down. Diminishes my faith.
Being still fills me back up.
For years I felt conflicted between checking all the right boxes and being me.
A simple (but oh-so-hard to arrive at) shift in my thinking has led me to believe that God wants me to be me more than anything else.
I am becoming a proponent of the middle ground. I’ve had too many friends feel burdened by checking the boxes. I’ve been there myself.
I’d rather be great at three things than mediocre at a hundred. I’d rather be proud of myself for building meaningful relationships with my husband, children, and God than feel disappointed in myself for not completing every item on my mile-long to-do list. It isn’t what we do but why.
Sometimes it feels intimidating, almost wrong, to do less in a culture that is always trying to do more. Mormonism is my heritage. It is indelibly a part of me, and I love that. I’m going to fit the Church around me, instead of the other way around. I’m going to shrug off perceived guilt for not doing it all—at the same time. I’m going to hope that life is long and that there will be a season for everything.
But most of all, I’m going to keep believing in a God who understands my heart, and I’m going to find freedom in living by the why.
Thank you for this wonderful post. I had the same kind of epiphany earlier this summer. It was brought on by that extra missionary broadcast – I felt so much guilt after I watched it. I would love to share the gospel with someone, but the thought was completely overwhelming. I was praying later that week and reading my scriptures, and I came upon a scripture in D&C (don’t remember which one it was) that essentially told me that God knew I was willing and had the desire, and that was all He needed right then. That he would provide me with an opportunity to share the gospel – and for me to do all those other “dos” that I feel like I fall short on – in His own time and way. That the way I am now, trying my best to be good at what I can handle, is enough. It was such a blessing and a wonderful, uplifting experience. I know a lot of other young moms who feel overwhelmed by the “dos” as well. There is a time and season for everything!
Thank you for telling me this, Alison! I was so touched by your comment, as well as reassured that I’m not the only one feeling this way! (Especially since I was a bit nervous about posting this one!)
I think for a lot of us young moms, before we have kids, we’re relatively good at doing all the do’s. Then when kids come along, our workload triples, and we find it hard enough to catch a shower, much less do A+ visiting teaching and sharing the gospel! Plus, we’ve also got the responsibility of shaping these little people and fostering their first interactions with the Spirit. We can only do so much!
What a blessing it is to believe that God understands. Your sweet moment of personal revelation was a breath a fresh air for me too. So thanks.
I’m popping over to your blog right now, btw!
I’m holding a baby and this is being typed one-handed, so hopefully it comes across okay! 🙂
Several phrases from conference talks come to mind reading this:
~ “Mothers who know do less.” (Julie B. Beck)
~ “Forget not the ‘why’ of the gospel” (Dieter F. Uchtdorf)
~ “Slow down a little, steady the course, and focus on the essentials when experiencing adverse conditions.” (Pres Uchtdorf again)
Also, a scripture: “be still and know that I am God.”
So don’t think for a second that saying “not right now” to some things is not doctrinal! Elder Oaks counseled us to choose only the best things, that sometimes the “good” things have to go undone for a little while.
All that said, I have also noticed that I’m often lifted up for going out and serving even when I didn’t think I could squeeze in one more thing. Visiting teaching and temple attendance and serving in my calling and joining the stake choir are all things that have given me a needed perspective-shift in the past. I worked on some family history last winter while I was stuck at home with sick kids (it is awesome we can do this at home now!) and it was just the thing to help me fight off the cabin fever. Sometimes we think that when we need a break from all that’s demanded of us (more “me time” or whatever), what we really need is meaningful service. It can be hard to fit in but it’s rejuvenating!
The trick is, like you said, to find that middle ground. It is hard! I am still working on it!! (Just a week ago, I was in tears all through a church activity because we had been doing SO much the past month — my husband has been very busy with church callings, leaving me at home with the kids a lot … and I just snapped! Maybe this is why I have so much to say about this topic!!)
Thanks for the post. I wholeheartedly agree that you cannot do it all, all at once. And that is okay!!
Absolutely, Beth! I think I’m just a little behind you in figuring this all out. 🙂
That talk by Elder Uchtdorf is what sparked the name and the launch of this blog!
And I certainly agree that there is nothing like service to pull you out of a slump – to get us thinking beyond the four walls of our homes and to realize how much we are blessed with.
My thought (and I’m pretty sure you’ll agree) is that we just need to give each other a lot of leeway. Everyone is carrying different loads (often things we can’t even see) and has different capacities. I hate to see women lose faith in themselves or in God if they feel they’re running faster than they can sustain. I think “normalizing” middle ground will help.
As you said, the trick is in finding it! 🙂
Thanks so much for your thoughtful comment – It got me thinking too!
Yes, I agree — we have no way of knowing what loads others are carrying (good way to put it) so we shouldn’t look down on ourselves OR on each other for what we aren’t doing. I would be a much better mom if I would stop comparing myself so often! The thought occurred to me the other day that I needed to stop trying to emulate friends and focus more on emulating Christ. It felt really profound and then I realized that, oh, wait, that’s a Primary song (I’m Trying to Be Like Jesus). 🙂 It all comes back to the gospel!
Also, don’t think that you are “behind me” in your realization, because I have been known to circle back and repeat the same lessons!! 😀
Haha, thanks, Beth. I go in circles too. Actually, I think posting this has sent me into another one! So much to think about. 🙂
I think you and I have similar personalities. I need a quiet room all by myself and my thoughts sometimes. I need less instead of more to make sense of things. And when my family’s needs are high that’s all I can do, too. And I think you’re right about Heavenly Father knowing and understanding our hearts, our limits, and our desires.
I wish I could just “like” your comment. I think my entire post could just fit into your few sentences. 🙂
And I like that we have similar personalities. 🙂
Perfect! Being a stay at home, Mormon, mom can be difficult! It’s important for all of us to remember the Gospel is what is important. Good for being brave and speaking up about it!! XO
Beautifully said! I’m still on that journey to find my middle ground – I agree with the beauty of simplicity & focusing on the best, most important things, yet I still have 30 years worth of a guilty voice in my head saying “that’s what the adversary wants you to think, be a little more self-centered” – it’s a hard thing to figure out! I’m on my way, I hope. Thanks for sharing.
Oh so true! Me too. Except the voice in MY head likes to remind me to beware of complacency. It’s probably a good thing, in the end, that we both have somewhat conflicting thought processes going on, because it makes us be more intentional about staying on middle ground. Not being too selfish; not being so giving that we lose track of why we’re doing it. Not being too complacent; not being so over-achieving that we lose motivation. SO many fine lines to walk, but at least we’re trying!
I’ve thought about this post quite a bit in the last 24-hours; and you’re absolutely right–there’s always more to do than time/energy/(desire?!) to do it. I understand why you wrote the piece, and I agree with the majority of what you’ve written. I’m a working professional with an incredibly stressful job and serving as my ward’s RS President, I too bristle at times when I’m asked to do more, or to extend myself further than I already am. (That’s an unexpected challenge of RSP service, the feeling that you could *always* be doing more, that your calling is *never* done. It’s a treat, I’ll tell you what.)
I hesitate to say anything because I’m not trying to rock the boat, but I think there’s real danger in the phrase “fit[ting[ the Church around me, instead of the other way around.” I know you well enough to know what you’re probably trying to get at, but I think there’s a group of people who use this as rationalization to support their myopic desires and actions–to put off commitments or obligations to help others the Church (AND the Gospel) might request. I think there’s danger any time we set ourselves at the center of anything without acknowledging what what we have and are is a beautiful gift from Heavenly parents. “Payback” for that gift sometimes means stretching ourselves farther in service than we might wish or feel comfortable; sometimes it means taking the time to focus on our children to raise honest, faithful, obedient souls. I agree that there’s a time and season for all of it, I’ve just thought a lot about this and need to highlight my unease with the idea that we get to pick and choose the whats and whens of involvement in the Gospel.
(Sigh. Back to working on VT routes. Wink.)
Of course, Nat. I’m so glad you brought that point up, because that was the line I was most hesitant to leave in. Now I might as well share why I did. 🙂
Right now, I know a surprising number of people locally who are feeling like they’re a little different from the main body of the Church. For some, it’s personality differences (because, admittedly, we *can be* fairly homogenous as a group), and for others, it’s beliefs, questions, or even political opinions.
My thought was simply that if you feel like you’re different, I’d rather have you just be YOU and STAY IN than feel like you need to quit coming.
I love your reminder that what we have and are is a gift from Heavenly parents, something we are all trying to reciprocate. That might just be food for another post! So beautifully said.
Thanks, Nat!
Love this post, you hit the nail on the head! And thats a really cute photo of you and Quinn!! 🙂
“…rather have you just be YOU and STAY IN than feel like you need to quit coming.” – amazing line. Wish it could be shouted from the rooftops. And I agree with Nat’s sentiment that we all can push ourselves to stretch & serve in appreciation and our goal to be more like our Heavenly Parents. For all of us, it’s a different amount and unique to our stage in life, too. I’m trying a lot harder to quite noticing/caring what others do in their level of outward devotion and just find the middle ground where I’m okay and I feel like the Lord’s okay with what I can give currently.
Ah, thanks, Alaina. Exactly. I write about myself because I don’t feel like I can speak for anyone else. But what I’d really love is for all of us to be slower to notice / care about other people’s perceived level of commitment. It’s just so personal. Heaven knows I haven’t always been good about giving people the benefit of a doubt, but I seem to be getting better at it as I get older.
And yes, I agree wholeheartedly with Nat’s thoughts, too. I’m grateful to be part of a church and community that helps me stretch myself.
I love this and it is so true. There is a time and a season for everything, and I think as long as we are moving in the right direction, we are doing exactly what we should be doing. We don’t have to do it ALL.
Hey Jolynn! Thanks so much for your comment. It was great to see you name pop up in my inbox!