Today, at the library during a torrential downpour, I had a conversation with a few friends about disciplining our kids. One of my girlfriends is struggling with her toddler boy, and another friend brainstormed that maybe she (the struggling mom) doesn’t strike that twinge of fear in her child, like some moms do. We were half-joking, but since then I’ve been thinking about who has it and who doesn’t and whether I think there really is something to it. When I was growing up, my aunt had it. She was an extremely warm person, but even as kids, we knew to watch our step!
So weigh in! Do you have it? Do you strike the fear? If so, are you glad you do? 🙂
This is tricky because I don’t really want my children to obey me because they fear me, but I do want them to obey. I like to think they don’t fear me, but at the same time I definitely think it’s important for my children to know that if they don’t obey there will be consequences. The consequences are generally related to loss of T.V. time, time in their room, or loss of special treat so I like to believe it’s a fear of consequences rather than a fear of me personally. I’m trying to find that balance between demanding unquestioning obedience to being empathetic to their position and feelings and listening to their side. For the mom that’s struggling, I hope she doesn’t take it too personally if she doesn’t feel she has a handle on things. I can go from thinking my children are the best behaved anywhere to fearing they will grow up to become thugs in an instant and motherhood is a constant struggle to find the balances in everything.
Well said, Tiffanie! I don’t think I naturally strike much fear in anyone, but I do try hard to say what I mean with the boys and stick to consequences. It’s hard but worth it!
Angels to thugs in an instant—I can relate to that too! I really think your boys are angels!
Sometimes I feel like I do (in a good way!) but I think it’s mostly because my daughter is a rule-follower by nature, but other times I think “whaaaa? I never would have had the nerve to say/do that to my parents!!” So probably I don’t have it. But I think I prefer it that way, in the end.
Thanks, Courtney! The type of child you have does makes a difference!
I do not know if I can weigh into this topic because I am still pregnant, but as I was reading this I had several thoughts go through my head. I used to know that my husband would strike the fear in our kids, and I would be the one who would tattle to him about the kids when he got home and he would discipline them cause i was going to be a pushover. However since we have gotten our dog and since he acts so much like what I think toddler would act like I see things differently now. We realized we needed to show the dog who is alpa dog and ever since we have we have been having a lot less trouble with him. In the process I have toughened up and at time I find him telling me how cute our dog is.
So sweet, Sarah! That’s awesome that you’ve gotten a taste of it beforehand. And I too find myself telling Ryan at night about how cute the kids are, even if I did have to do plenty of disciplining throughout the day. 🙂 You’re going to be the best mom!
Brad & I are of the opinion that a healthy dose of fear is absolutely necessary in parenting. Not to be abused or overused, but the bottom line is that kids & teens brains aren’t developed enough in abstract thinking and long-term consequence foresight that sometimes they DO need to obey just for the sake of obeying, and sometimes fear is the biggest motivator of that. It kept me out of a lot of trouble as a teen, and as I grew older I became grateful for the mistakes I didn’t make and forgave my parents for their unpleasant tactics. In toddler-land, I need my kid to pause mid-misbehavior at the tone in my voice or serious look on my face when we are in public or he’s about to run in the street and there isn’t time/ability for explaining consequences. The beauty of this type of “fear” is that you CAN’T use it too much or they quit being scared, lol. Therefore I spend most of my effort using logical consequences and lots of patience, then when I use fear it’s quick and effective. It’s very helpful to have more than one tool at my disposal.
I was totally hoping you’d comment, Alaina! So thank you! I think I raise my voice infrequently enough that it gets my boys’ attention in a hurry, and I’m very grateful for that in situations where they might be harmed or cause harm to another child. I agree that it’s a tool. I still wish I lived closer to you so I could see it in action a bit more, but oh well! Someday!
I’m noticing with my two-year-old that she doesn’t seem to have any “fear” of me at all, which can be kind of frustrating. I can have steam coming out of my ears, and she just seems to ignore it! I certainly don’t want my daughter to be afraid of me, but I wouldn’t mind if she knew I meant business when it came to the important stuff. It’s definitely hard to find a balance between being warm and nurturing, and the disciplinarian!
This post made me laugh a little. Do I “strike the fear” in my son? I am definitely the one who is the most firm with him, between my hubby and I. I would hope that he’s not afraid of me… Just that he knows I’m serious and I mean what I say. I also second what Alaina said about obeying just to obey. Sometimes it is necessary. One example is, when I call my son to come to me, I expect him to come immediately. ESPECIALLY if we’re outside, because if he’s running towards the road and a car is coming, I don’t much care if he understands the in’s and out’s and why’s behind my command. I just want him to obey. Sometimes the understanding comes later. In hindsight.
Great post! Though-provoking!
Matt and I were just talking about this very issue. I can definitely get my kids attention by being firm and most of the time can get them to obey, but I don’t think they “fear me.” Sometimes I wish they did more! But it’s interesting because when Matt comes home and disciplines, they quickly obey. Charlie usually gets his feelings hurt if Matt sends him to tim out . 🙂 And I remember this same scenario with my dad coming home. We always behaved better. I wonder if since I’m constantly with them, they’re so used to me and I’m a broken record. 🙂 I’m not sure what the solution is, or if there is any with the situation we’re in of me staying home and Matt working, but I think it’s interesting.
I’m by nature a soft spoken person. My sons are now grown, but when they were small they were VERY strong-willed. I quickly realized that between my quiet nature and their loud, boisterous, strong personalities, I was going to have to quickly find an effective parenting technique. I found that consistency was my best friend! Once they realized that mom meant what she said, and that disobedience or bad attitudes wrought immediate consequences, it was amazing how their behavior changed. I rarely had to raise my voice… Sometime, just ‘the look’ was enough to let them know my displeasure. I would have to say that there was a healthy amount of fear and respect. I remember that consistency was, many times, exhausting and inconvenient, but the pay off was worth the hard work.
I love today’s post! It’s such a great subject and I appreciate the other moms’ insights!
Wow, what a great opener to such a relevant parenting discussion, one that I am constantly having with myself. I feel like firmness (sometimes in tone and always in consistency) is sometimes totally necessary. It’s tough though for me. I am naturally a loud, yelling type when I get frustrated. Thankfully, though, I have learned that when I need to tone back the tone or the sharpness I can always stop. Say sorry and reaffirm to my daughter that I love her and that I just need her to listen better. Hopefully practice will help me find the right balance between firmness and understanding.
Disciplining is hard no doubt. And each kid is different and needs a different formula. I’m still trying to find a ‘right’ way but I will say its best if husband and wife agree, ha!
There is such a fine line there. My husband definitely “strikes the fear” more than I do. We both take a little bit different approach with discipline. While I don’t really let my kids get away with anything, I don’t think they really fear me at all. I like to think that they respect me – although sometimes I do question whether they do! Parenting is so hard!
-Shelley
I am too tired to write anything thoughtful 🙂 YES I strike the fear and NO I am not glad about it. I want my husband to strike the fear but instead they just love him more (or so it seems) because he is a softy….then again, that’s why I love him too.
Wonderful blog updates, as always!