It all started with his keys.
He always came home from work and dumped the contents of his pockets onto the piano, instead of using the designated basket just a few feet away.
I reminded him for MONTHS before I finally gave up and put a silver dish on the piano to corral keys and spare change.
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Next it was his sleep habits.
I had heard that connected couples go to sleep together…and I wanted to be connected. But the combination of a hectic work schedule and his personal preference meant that his sleep schedule was all over the board. I felt like if I could control his sleep habits, I could head off some of the problems we ran into as a couple.
Eventually, though, I learned I needed to let go.
And life felt SO MUCH LIGHTER for both of us once I did.
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Next up! His day-to-day schedule, especially on the weekends.
Then his social calendar. (Apparently, dinners out with colleagues and buddies are enjoyable for extroverts.)
As the years go by, my marriage forces me to peel back layers of controlling behavior.
I know my husband better than I used to. I know now that no amount of pushing, cajoling, reasoning, or reminding is going to make him change unless he wants to and is ready.
But for years, before I started letting go, I looked at other couples who seemed to have it easier than we did. One partner seemed a little more…accommodating, for lack of a better word, than the other. And I (internally) pointed my finger at my husband.
I was a thoughtful person who had a good track record of self-improvement. I could identify aspects of my personality that needed work and tackle them with vigor.
Clearly, I wasn’t the problem.
But it takes two.
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The problem with being married to a person who won’t be controlled (and really, who will?) is that you run the risk of him checking out. For him, it’s easier to just stay out of the kitchen altogether if you’re always telling him how to load the dishwasher. He’s not interested in doing what you say just because you say it, especially if micromanaging is a habit of yours. So he simply stays out.
And you—you spend a lot of time loading the dishwasher.
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A few weeks ago, I became aware of my biggest blind spot of late.
I thought I’d come so far. I had peeled back the layers. For the most part, I’d let go of the late-night work dinners and the irregular sleep schedules…even the errant keys. I was on top of my controlling tendencies. I was totally in control.
The thing is, our kids have caught on to the “But Mom said—” game. They go to whichever parent they’re most likely to get the best outcome from.
When Dad doesn’t deliver, they come running to Mom. And because home is my domain, I feel a little entitled to the rules and practices we’ve already established. So when my husband wants to go against the grain, I don’t always want to support him. And our kids (those little hawks) can sense it.
But marginalizing my husband’s role as a parent is the last thing I want to do. His perspective as my co-parent is invaluable to me, and I won’t run the risk of him checking out of the decision making just because I couldn’t get behind him.
And just like that, one more layer stripped away.
(Unfortunately, I’m not sure I’ll ever give up my grip on the kitchen.)
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Linked up with Works for Me Wednesday, Wedded Wednesday, and On My Heart.
I thought I was so agreeable until I got married — then I realized that I was actually a total control-freak! Having kids only amplified that. 😉
Ha! Kids are a whole ‘nother ball park! Peeling back our controlling behaviors left and right! 🙂
This a great (and vulnerable!) post. This is something I am constantly working on. This is one of the top things that makes me feel like marriage can be so hard!
Thanks, Courtney! YES, definitely not the easiest post to push publish on. 🙂 I’m glad you agree that this is one of the things that make marriage hardest! The pull between wanting your spouse to change and needing to change (or let go) yourself.
You have a great week!
Yes. Yes. Yes. Well put.
Thanks, Heidi!!
We are almost at our 1st wedding anniversary, and I’ve learned this BIG time this year. The tighter I held the reins, the more he bucked, and it caused a lot of unrest in our marriage. God has been showing me that my husband is not mine to control, and I’ve been working on it. It’s hard, but I’ve seen the fruit from letting go and it’s much better than when I was controlling 🙂
Thanks so much for your sweet comment, Julie. A commenter after you mentioned “settling in” to the relationship. I think the give and take becomes more comfortable with time, at least for a lot of couples. Best wishes!
Love this so much. It is so relatable.
When I read the title of your post, Erica, I wondered where you were going with “and the men who won’t be controlled,” but I totally get it! My husband is one of those more *rigid* human beings, and he knows it. He’s gotten a lot better about learning to defer to some of my preferences at home and when it comes to the kids, but we’ve been working at it for almost nine years! I’ve also learned that there are just certain hot-button issues for him that it’s not worth arguing about.
I guess that’s the beauty of getting settled into your relationship a bit. Of course, there’s always something to upend any equilibrium you may achieve: a new job, a move, the kids’ growth and development and the changes they bring… Good luck to us all!
Right? I mean, really, no one wants to be controlled, so the title was a TINY bit tongue-in-cheek. 🙂 But in all honesty, I’ve often felt like my husband was a little more stubborn than some :), so I wanted to share that with women who can relate. And it sounds like you can!
I loved what you said about settling into the relationship. I completely agree.
Pinned! I definitely needed to read this. I love the thought of slight adjustments. I’m sure they do the same in ways we don’t know about!
Warm Regards,
Alexandra
http://www.littlewildheart.com
Hi Alexandra! Yes, it is definitely a process of little adjustments. At least for us it has been. Thankfully, they add up over time!
And thanks so much for pinning!
Excellent point. I need to relax about leaving my child with my husband without stressing about the violent TV or whatever. I need a break too!
It is so true – we truly need to pick our battles and realize that as much as we don’t want to be controlled – neither do they. Someone once said to me “are you loveable?”… are you someone that you would love to be with – some days I am not… but I strive to be on MOST days! I love your honesty.
Love that, Tove! I’m with you – It’s as much about us as it is about them. I want to be lovable too!
Such a fan – there’s a typo in the world “controlled”in your title and URL 🙂
Alexandra
http://www.littlewildheart.com
Ha! At least the graphic shows I really do know how to spell?? (Mostly. 🙂 Thanks so much for telling me, girl! Fixed.
I came here from Messy Marriage, and I loved your post.
For me, letting go of control means accepting my wife for who she is, and not who I want her to be…and there can be no quid pro quo involved.
If she still wants to try to remake me, that’s her business…courtesy demands that I do NOT pin my “letting go” on reciprocity.
Hi Andrew, what a profound statement—”courtesy demands that I do NOT pin my ‘letting go’ on reciprocity.” I don’t think that courtesy comes naturally to me, which is why I so completely appreciated your reminder. I hope you don’t mind if I share it with my readers on facebook. Beautiful!
You have a good night. Thanks so much for visiting and for your thoughtful comment!
This is like my and many other women’s story. The things marriage reveals in us are amazing. Thank God for His ability in us to let go of anything that will not cost us eternity with him, especially if it will bring peace in our marriages.
Good post!
There is nothing like a marriage to help us learn to see our own character flaws.
Almost every time I go to God with a concern about my wife’s behavior or attitude, God starts with wanting to talk about my attitude…
Funny how that works, isn’t it, Joe? It’s well designed. 🙂 Thank you so much for visiting and taking the time to comment!
I like your example of going to bed at the same time.
I’ve read the articles too: going to bed at the same time will help your relationship with your spouse.
When we first married, we did try going to bed at the same time. Honestly it was hard. It meant we both had to use the bathroom at the same time, and my husband just wasn’t good at sharing a sink. So we’d take turns. And then he’d be impatient since I took forever.
Yes, cuddling in bed before we both slept was nice, but we can do that in the morning too.
I now often go to sleep before him. He tells me that when he gets into bed later, I often give him a hug. I have no memory of this. But it seems to work for us.
It wasn’t until I got married that I realized how many things I like just so, but it’s something to work through. It’s more fun to go through life with a spouse, even if they move your stuff 🙂
Oh my heavens can I relate to your story! Only difference is, when my husband comes in after me, the mostly asleep version of me is not always as loving as you are. 🙂 I’ve been known to get put out about a light coming on or about how “insanely loud” he is while brushing his teeth. 🙂 Usually when we have a baby in the house, I get extra territorial about my sleep.
But other than that, YES. We’ve found a lot more harmony by actually just going to sleep whenever we’re ready, independently. And I am all for the AM cuddles. 🙂
Thanks so much for taking the time to share your story, Julie!