Prior to becoming a parent myself, I was a Know-It-All. Shortly after joining the ranks of motherhood, I quickly became a Do-It-All.
Let me explain the difference.
A Know-It-All simply believes they know everything. A Do-It-All actually attempts to act on everything they know. You know, the kind of mother that reads her kid a dozen books a day, builds her career, grows her own organic food, never “needs” a break, and has children who are beaming with constant smiles. It didn’t take long until I realized that as a Do-It-All, I was trying to be everything and do everything for my children and this came at a cost.
{Note from Erica: Denaye’s new book Simple Happy Parenting is an incredible resource for wisdom just like this! It’s skillfully written, beautifully designed, and contains a message I really believe we all need. Check it out!}
The cost?
I was taking away important opportunities for my children to grow and develop.
I was trying to be the perfect mother to the detriment of my children.
My brain and life looked like an overflowing suitcase. The kind of suitcase you have to sit on to get zipped up—that was me. I could barely get it closed and it was certainly over the legal weight limit. I found myself carrying that bag full of obligations, duties, and expectations around with me everywhere I went.
Parenthood felt heavy
Like every mother, I had the best of intentions. When my first child was born I was wrapping up a doctorate in Child Development and had already spent several years doing child and family therapy. As a result, I knew a lot about what children need to grow and develop.
I had all the research. I read all the books. I knew all the parenting philosophies. I was basically a walking resource library filled with facts, tools, and theoretical frameworks.
But once I got my footing as a mother, I was able to sort out the content of this overflowing bag. The harsh reality was that I was carrying a whole lot of weight that I needed to hand back over to my children. That weight was actually essential for them to grow, learn, and develop.
I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to take out and leave behind. It can be hard to know what we don’t need. So I’m going to tell you. (Disclaimer: I am not a Do-It-All anymore, but I’m still kind of a Know-It-All).
It’s all good news for those of you who are bearing a heavy burden in parenthood. Less is more. I am going to tell you exactly what to take out of your suitcase. Because you’ll want leave some extra space in there for the surprises and lessons that your children are going to bring you along the way.
5 Exhausting Pressures Parents Can Let Go Of Forever
Now take five deep breaths—five sighs of relief—because what our children truly need from us will actually make our journey lighter.
Sigh #1: Let go of the pressure to buy all.the.things to keep your kids happy.
Surely children will light up with (fleeting) joy when they receive new toys. But when we stop using “stuff” to make our kids happy, we are giving them an opportunity to focus on finding joy through the intangible: new adventures and relationships with people they love.
Sigh #2: Let go of the pressure to constantly entertain your kid
You are not an entertainer. In fact, when we provide fewer structured activities and sources of entertainment, we are gifting our children opportunities to create and innovate their own joy. When you step back on your entertaining, your children will step up and learn how to do it themselves. But they need practice.
Sigh #3: Let go of the pressure to be “on” every moment you are together with family
Last I checked, you were human. And as humans we need the space to breathe. As parents, we can find small ways to delight in our children everyday, but we will never delight in them all day. Set the bar low and focus on quality time over quantity of time. Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family. If you aim to be “present + perfect” all day, every day then you will always fall short.
Sigh #4: Let go of the pressure to solve sibling squabbles
Don’t be a referee. Sibling relationships are the practice ground for managing intimacy in later life. When it’s safe, let’s remove ourselves from the equation and give our children a chance to have hands on practice with problem solving and conflict management. Giving them that practice is a gift.
Sigh #5: Let go of the pressure to hover over your kids
It’s natural to fear for our children’s safety and well-being. But when we hover, we send our children the message that they aren’t capable. When we step back and let them take moderate risks, we show them that we are confident in their abilities. And that confidence is contagious. They will start believing in themselves.
Once you let go of all the extra baggage, you will see that your children will thrive. Because less is more, even when it comes to parenting.
Denaye Barahona’s new book Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids is now available! She is the voice behind Simple Families, a podcast, blog and community for parents. Denaye has a Ph.D. in Child Development and has spent her career supporting families to more harmonious lives with young children.
Would you like to win a copy?
Just leave a comment below telling us which of the “5 sighs” you resonated with the most, and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Simple Happy Parenting! ?? Additionally, if you share this post on social media, just let us know in a separate comment, and you’ll get an extra entry!
U.S. residents only. Giveaway closes this Thursday, May 6th at 9pm PST.
Sigh #3: Let go of the pressure to be “on” every moment you are together with family. I have to learn that I cannot pour from an empty cup…
Thank you so much for this post. Even though I’m familiar with keeping things simple and being intentional, this is a great reminder to be kind to ourselves as mothers, let things go every now and then and that we can’t be responsible for everything that happens.
#3 resonates with me the most- this summer has been hard so far with kids being sick and hearing the words “I’m bored” A LOT. I am exhausted from trying to be “on” all of the time-today I am going to try and give myself a break
I resonate the best with #3 and #5. It leaves me exhausted and wondering how I survived as a kid as my parents were never outside with me as a kid – but I’m always outside with mine due to #5.
I find #3 and #5 the most draining for me.. I struggle with feeling guilty if I’m not “on” all the time, and constantly wondering if I’m hovering too much or not enough! I would love to read this book as a way to find some balance and peace. Thanks for sharing, great article!
I love # 3: I don’t have to be always “on” when with family. I feel much more refreshed when I take time to relax and simply be, whether it’s watching them play or doing something on my own. It is also good for them to know that Mama is not a superhuman being who can always do more!
#4. . I’m certainly not a know it all and I’ve definitely given up on doing it all, but the kids constantly draw me in to the refereeing! I need to stay out of it more! Thank you for the permission!
Clearly I’m not alone with Sigh #3 being the one that struck a chord. I have noticed that a crave some time to decompress and collect my thoughts, especially as the day progresses toward the afternoon but I feel guilty. The “present and perfect” ideal that Denaye talks about is something that I find myself striving for each morning and mourning over at night.
#3 My son may only be 14 months old, but I can deeply relate to your intro as well. I actually thanked my son in the car this morning, for being patient as I took time to get ready on my own. I’m solo parenting this week, and a simple 15 minutes made such a difference at the start of my day. Thanks for your words.
#4 – A lot of times I feel like I need to stand up for my kids and defend them from the other sibling. It’s such a thin line between letting them figure it out, and then really hurting each other’s feelings. I watched my brother bully our youngest brother our entire childhood. I don’t want that to be my kids, but I want them to figure things out on their own.
#5 for sure.
#3 for me. A hard balance to find without feeling guilty for taking the time for self-care!
#5 is definitely my hardest but the most rewarding for my boys. I have a lot of anxiety about one of them getting hurt or something happening to them but it is really important and beneficial for me to trust them and for them to believe that they are capable of so much. Thank you for this post it is very enlightening 🙂
#3 for me! So easy to get consumed with my children and forget about what I am interested in. Thanks for the great post!
#4. I mainly feel the pressure from the siblings. “MOM!!! He just…” But I don’t want to be the referee. It’s not healthy for me or for them.
When I opened a daycare, caring for 5 children plus my own son who was 5 forced me to let go of it all and remember how I grew up in the 1970’s. My son is now 17 and the children I cared for all in their teens or tweens now and having kept in touch with them all, I CAN tell you that doing ANY of these things is actually detrimental to their emotional growth and intellectual growth. All my daycare kids plus my own teen excel in school because early on, they were forced to learn to manage their time and relationships. I was an “active caregiver” meaning NO CIRCLE TIME or structured activities unless they WANTED to. They loved being outside in keyboard without me hovering and not one of them have an behavioural issues and teen rebellion as the parents kept up what I did with their children and ended up with independent children capable of thinking for themselves. I took a LOT of flack from everyone around me just for how I raised my OWN son but I’m proud of the strong leader and compassionate young man he’s become while many of his school mates struggle with addiction, mental illness and poor parent-child relationships. People need to stop doing all five of these behaviors because think about how no one solved your squabbles but you and how you played.
When I opened a daycare, caring for 5 children plus my own son who was 5 forced me to let go of it all and remember how I grew up in the 1970’s. My son is now 17 and the children I cared for all in their teens or tweens now and having kept in touch with them all, I CAN tell you that doing ANY of these things is actually detrimental to their emotional and intellectual growth. All my daycare kids plus my own teen excel in school because early on, they were forced to learn to manage their time and relationships. I was an “active caregiver” meaning NO CIRCLE TIME or structured activities unless they WANTED to. They loved being outside in keyboard without me hovering and not one of them have an behavioural issues and teen rebellion as the parents kept up what I did with their children and ended up with independent children capable of thinking for themselves. I took a LOT of flack from everyone around me just for how I raised my OWN son but I’m proud of the strong leader and compassionate young man he’s become while many of his school mates struggle with addiction, mental illness and poor parent-child relationships. People need to stop doing all five of these behaviors because think about how no one solved your squabbles but you and how you played.
When I opened a daycare, caring for 5 children plus my own son who was 5 forced me to let go of it all and remember how I grew up in the 1970’s. My son is now 17 and the children I cared for all in their teens or tweens now and having kept in touch with them all, I CAN tell you that doing ANY of these things is actually detrimental to their emotional and intellectual growth. All my daycare kids plus my own teen excel in school because early on, they were forced to learn to manage their time and relationships. I was an “active caregiver” meaning NO CIRCLE TIME or structured activities unless they WANTED to. They loved being outside in the yard without me hovering and not one of them have an behavioural issues and teen rebellion as the parents kept up what I did with their children and ended up with independent children capable of thinking for themselves. I took a LOT of flack from everyone around me just for how I raised my OWN son but I’m proud of the strong leader and compassionate young man he’s become while many of his school mates struggle with addiction, mental illness and poor parent-child relationships. People need to stop doing all five of these behaviors because think about how no one solved your squabbles but you and how you played.
#1 for me!
I only have one child right now, but hope to have more!
I really like the idea of not buying “fleeting joy”, but instead celebrating through quality time and making memories! It also takes the pressure off of buying guide gifts “just because it’s their birthday ” I want to be much more purposeful in what I bring into the house, and only get things that are going to keep our home peaceful and tidy!
Thank you so much for encouraging us mommas!
#3, as a stay at home mom the pressure is there to feel like you have to be there for them the whole day and neglect your own needs to ensure they feel like you are there the whole time and #4 I feel like a referee some days.