Prior to becoming a parent myself, I was a Know-It-All. Shortly after joining the ranks of motherhood, I quickly became a Do-It-All.
Let me explain the difference.
A Know-It-All simply believes they know everything. A Do-It-All actually attempts to act on everything they know. You know, the kind of mother that reads her kid a dozen books a day, builds her career, grows her own organic food, never “needs” a break, and has children who are beaming with constant smiles. It didn’t take long until I realized that as a Do-It-All, I was trying to be everything and do everything for my children and this came at a cost.
{Note from Erica: Denaye’s new book Simple Happy Parenting is an incredible resource for wisdom just like this! It’s skillfully written, beautifully designed, and contains a message I really believe we all need. Check it out!}
The cost?
I was taking away important opportunities for my children to grow and develop.
I was trying to be the perfect mother to the detriment of my children.
My brain and life looked like an overflowing suitcase. The kind of suitcase you have to sit on to get zipped up—that was me. I could barely get it closed and it was certainly over the legal weight limit. I found myself carrying that bag full of obligations, duties, and expectations around with me everywhere I went.
Parenthood felt heavy
Like every mother, I had the best of intentions. When my first child was born I was wrapping up a doctorate in Child Development and had already spent several years doing child and family therapy. As a result, I knew a lot about what children need to grow and develop.
I had all the research. I read all the books. I knew all the parenting philosophies. I was basically a walking resource library filled with facts, tools, and theoretical frameworks.
But once I got my footing as a mother, I was able to sort out the content of this overflowing bag. The harsh reality was that I was carrying a whole lot of weight that I needed to hand back over to my children. That weight was actually essential for them to grow, learn, and develop.
I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to take out and leave behind. It can be hard to know what we don’t need. So I’m going to tell you. (Disclaimer: I am not a Do-It-All anymore, but I’m still kind of a Know-It-All).
It’s all good news for those of you who are bearing a heavy burden in parenthood. Less is more. I am going to tell you exactly what to take out of your suitcase. Because you’ll want leave some extra space in there for the surprises and lessons that your children are going to bring you along the way.
5 Exhausting Pressures Parents Can Let Go Of Forever
Now take five deep breaths—five sighs of relief—because what our children truly need from us will actually make our journey lighter.
Sigh #1: Let go of the pressure to buy all.the.things to keep your kids happy.
Surely children will light up with (fleeting) joy when they receive new toys. But when we stop using “stuff” to make our kids happy, we are giving them an opportunity to focus on finding joy through the intangible: new adventures and relationships with people they love.
Sigh #2: Let go of the pressure to constantly entertain your kid
You are not an entertainer. In fact, when we provide fewer structured activities and sources of entertainment, we are gifting our children opportunities to create and innovate their own joy. When you step back on your entertaining, your children will step up and learn how to do it themselves. But they need practice.
Sigh #3: Let go of the pressure to be “on” every moment you are together with family
Last I checked, you were human. And as humans we need the space to breathe. As parents, we can find small ways to delight in our children everyday, but we will never delight in them all day. Set the bar low and focus on quality time over quantity of time. Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family. If you aim to be “present + perfect” all day, every day then you will always fall short.
Sigh #4: Let go of the pressure to solve sibling squabbles
Don’t be a referee. Sibling relationships are the practice ground for managing intimacy in later life. When it’s safe, let’s remove ourselves from the equation and give our children a chance to have hands on practice with problem solving and conflict management. Giving them that practice is a gift.
Sigh #5: Let go of the pressure to hover over your kids
It’s natural to fear for our children’s safety and well-being. But when we hover, we send our children the message that they aren’t capable. When we step back and let them take moderate risks, we show them that we are confident in their abilities. And that confidence is contagious. They will start believing in themselves.
Once you let go of all the extra baggage, you will see that your children will thrive. Because less is more, even when it comes to parenting.
Denaye Barahona’s new book Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids is now available! She is the voice behind Simple Families, a podcast, blog and community for parents. Denaye has a Ph.D. in Child Development and has spent her career supporting families to more harmonious lives with young children.
Would you like to win a copy?
Just leave a comment below telling us which of the “5 sighs” you resonated with the most, and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Simple Happy Parenting! ?? Additionally, if you share this post on social media, just let us know in a separate comment, and you’ll get an extra entry!
U.S. residents only. Giveaway closes this Thursday, May 6th at 9pm PST.
The pressure to solve sibling squabbles!!
Yes! It’s good for them to figure these things out, but man, it’s hard to resist stepping in!
The pressure to constantly entertaom my kids AND solve sibling squabbles. ❤
Sigh #2: Let go of the pressure to constantly entertain your kid!
#2 resonated with me the most! I am working on entertaining less and being more of just-a-mom. 🙂
Yes, Stephanie!
#5! I tend to hover when we’re out in public or on the playgrounds. I know i need to let my kids explore on their own more!
For sure! I love how Denaye says that when they see us showing confidence in them, they develop it in themselves.
#3 – the pressure to be on all the time!
#3 – the pressure to be on all the time
I definitely struggle most with feeling like I need to entertain my daughter. I beat myself up because I can’t always do much with my health the way it is. I feel like I am missing opportunities for her by not having things for her to do. This was very helpful. I would love to read this book!
My copy came a bit early, so I can attest that it’s excellent, Raven!
Sigh 4! Being a new mom of two kids now, I’m learning the balance of intervening in their squabbles and when not to. It’s so sweet to see them grow to enjoy each other more as time goes on.
#3 – I realized I had not relaxed in my own house after my kids were born since…before my kids were born (also made more difficult by having a high-needs first child). I’ve worked really hard to remove myself from all.the.things. happening in the house, but still have work to do.
#3 is huge for me – I have trouble at family gatherings as well as every day things not putting pressure on myself to be cheerful more than I actually feel.
Sibling squabbles for sure! I struggle with that so much because my oldest is so aggressive. If I let it escalate someone is definitely going to end up getting hurt. ??♀️ I don’t know how to balance letting them argue and keeping them safe.
That’s so hard, Mary Anne, especially when one of your kids is just prone to it. Just this morning at breakfast I was telling my kids “No talking—just eat!” because they were all squabbly and it wasn’t even 7am!
Good news, Mary Anne! You won the giveaway! I’ll send you an email right now. Congrats!!
#3. As an introvert mom of an only child, the pressure to be “on” every moment is exhausting. That pairs nicely with #2 as we often get tapped to participate in imaginative play, and I get “talked out” fairly quickly.
With you 100 percent, Margaret! It’s so freeing to realize you don’t have to be “on” every moment.
I’m embarrassed to say that all 5 points resonated with me ?! I’m the youngest of four kids and my mom passed away when I was 18. I often struggle to figure out how to parent well with no one to ask for advice ☀️.
Nothing embarrassing about that, Nic! You’re doing the best you can, and that’s all that matters! It’s HARD!
The pressure to solve sibling squabbles. It has been amazing for me to watch my kids work through things on their own (and sometimes not!) and give authentic, sincere apologies without my prompting. I can see they learn much more and develop deeper connection when they are allowed to figure out conflict by themselves. Having said all that, I’m still working on this!
Letting go of solving sibling squabbles, I definitely love this list, but I do almost always intervene with the squabbles and see how that can be detrimental to them trying to work it out themselves! Thanks!
#3…but I’m not sure it’s something I can seriously let go of?
I’m the grandmother now & I can let go of it when my kids are not with me but I always want to be available. I am the day care giver for my grandson as well & I want to be ‘on’ every moment I’m with him as well.
I’d love to read the book.
Your kids and grand-kids sound lucky to have you, Jenny!
Another for the sibling squabbles. I find it so hard to not intervene in their relationship even though I hate when my own mom did/does this.
#2-#5 ? I feel like #3 and #4 can go together. Like I’m always on and that includes refereeing sibling squabbles.
Sign #3: The pressure to always be on. This is exactly what I needed to read…”Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family.” Currently, I’m working on focusing on quality over quantity. This is such good practice and when put to use I think it will allow more time for moments of self love (filling my cup) so that my soul feels full and present for my family.
Having one child, I can really resonate with #1 and #2. He’s got no siblings so I often feel the need to provide entertainment or buy him things to entertain him. I have struggled with #3 and #5 in the past, but I’m still learning. Thanks for a lovely article 🙂
Sigh #3: The pressure to always be “on”. I really needed to read this…”Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family.” I’m trying to shift my focus to quality, not quantity. I feel if I can put this into practice it will allow me to have more time for self love (& filling my cup) so that my soul is well and ready to be present for my family ❤
Could not love this more, Christina! Carry on!
Letting go of hovering over the kids is what resonated with me the most as I tend to always want to be there, specially around parks/museums. I’m still learning to slowly just let them be and have them explore on their own without me constantly directing them.
Sigh #4: Solving all the sibling squabbles.
Now that my two kids are home together I find myself wanting it to be “bliss” every moment, and jump in to solve their issues. I love your reminder that these lessons in conflict resolution will serve them well later in life.
In the meantime, we have 3 board games they can no longer play together….too many cards flying lol.
#5 is really tough for me. I worry constantly about my kids, some are really unwarranted worries and I’m trying to work on that. Hubby is really working with me on loosening up a little at a time.
That’s great that you’re so aware, Jessica, and that you’ve got support in your husband. Best wishes!
Thank you Erica. My hubby is so supportive. Many times he is my reality check. He really balances me out.
The biggest struggle is #2— constantly entertaining. I felt like I always had to be engaging and paying attention to my oldest when she was a baby. Do that for a year and a half, and you realize how much of a struggle it can be for them to learn to play on their own. That mixed with her extroverted personality is a work in progress! Grateful to see this article-thank you!
Sigh #3 for sure!!!