DECLUTTER YOUR LIFE

RESTORE YOUR PEACE

Denaye Barahona

5 Exhausting Pressures Parents Can Let Go Of Forever

motherhood, simple living

Prior to becoming a parent myself, I was a Know-It-All. Shortly after joining the ranks of motherhood, I quickly became a Do-It-All. 

Let me explain the difference.

A Know-It-All simply believes they know everything. A Do-It-All actually attempts to act on everything they know. You know, the kind of mother that reads her kid a dozen books a day, builds her career, grows her own organic food, never “needs” a break, and has children who are beaming with constant smiles. It didn’t take long until I realized that as a Do-It-All, I was trying to be everything and do everything for my children and this came at a cost. 

{Note from Erica: Denaye’s new book Simple Happy Parenting is an incredible resource for wisdom just like this! It’s skillfully written, beautifully designed, and contains a message I really believe we all need. Check it out!}

The cost? 

I was taking away important opportunities for my children to grow and develop. 

I was trying to be the perfect mother to the detriment of my children. 

My brain and life looked like an overflowing suitcase. The kind of suitcase you have to sit on to get zipped up—that was me. I could barely get it closed and it was certainly over the legal weight limit. I found myself carrying that bag full of obligations, duties, and expectations around with me everywhere I went. 

Parenthood felt heavy 

Like every mother, I had the best of intentions. When my first child was born I was wrapping up a doctorate in Child Development and had already spent several years doing child and family therapy. As a result, I knew a lot about what children need to grow and develop. 

I had all the research. I read all the books. I knew all the parenting philosophies. I was basically a walking resource library filled with facts, tools, and theoretical frameworks. 

But once I got my footing as a mother, I was able to sort out the content of this overflowing bag. The harsh reality was that I was carrying a whole lot of weight that I needed to hand back over to my children. That weight was actually essential for them to grow, learn, and develop.

I know sometimes it can be hard to know what to take out and leave behind. It can be hard to know what we don’t need. So I’m going to tell you. (Disclaimer: I am not a Do-It-All anymore, but I’m still kind of a Know-It-All). 

It’s all good news for those of you who are bearing a heavy burden in parenthood. Less is more. I am going to tell you exactly what to take out of your suitcase. Because you’ll want leave some extra space in there for the surprises and lessons that your children are going to bring you along the way.

5 Exhausting Pressures Parents Can Let Go Of Forever

Now take five deep breaths—five sighs of relief—because what our children truly need from us will actually make our journey lighter. 

5 Exhausting Pressures Parents Can Let Go Of Forever
Simple Happy Parenting

Sigh #1: Let go of the pressure to buy all.the.things to keep your kids happy. 

Surely children will light up with (fleeting) joy when they receive new toys. But when we stop using “stuff” to make our kids happy, we are giving them an opportunity to focus on finding joy through the intangible: new adventures and relationships with people they love.

Sigh #2: Let go of the pressure to constantly entertain your kid

You are not an entertainer. In fact, when we provide fewer structured activities and sources of entertainment, we are gifting our children opportunities to create and innovate their own joy. When you step back on your entertaining, your children will step up and learn how to do it themselves. But they need practice. 

Sigh #3: Let go of the pressure to be “on” every moment you are together with family 

Last I checked, you were human. And as humans we need the space to breathe. As parents, we can find small ways to delight in our children everyday, but we will never delight in them all day. Set the bar low and focus on quality time over quantity of time. Give yourself permission to engage your mind in things unrelated to your family. If you aim to be “present + perfect” all day, every day then you will always fall short. 

Sigh #4: Let go of the pressure to solve sibling squabbles 

Don’t be a referee. Sibling relationships are the practice ground for managing intimacy in later life. When it’s safe, let’s remove ourselves from the equation and give our children a chance to have hands on practice with problem solving and conflict management. Giving them that practice is a gift. 

Sigh #5: Let go of the pressure to hover over your kids

It’s natural to fear for our children’s safety and well-being. But when we hover, we send our children the message that they aren’t capable. When we step back and let them take moderate risks, we show them that we are confident in their abilities. And that confidence is contagious.  They will start believing in themselves. 

Once you let go of all the extra baggage, you will see that your children will thrive. Because less is more, even when it comes to parenting. 

Denaye Barahona’s new book Simple Happy Parenting: The Secret of Less for Calmer Parents and Happier Kids is now available! She is the voice behind Simple Families, a podcast, blog and community for parents. Denaye has a Ph.D. in Child Development and has spent her career supporting families to more harmonious lives with young children.

Would you like to win a copy?

Just leave a comment below telling us which of the “5 sighs” you resonated with the most, and you’ll be entered to win a copy of Simple Happy Parenting! ?? Additionally, if you share this post on social media, just let us know in a separate comment, and you’ll get an extra entry!

U.S. residents only. Giveaway closes this Thursday, May 6th at 9pm PST.

How to Reduce Your Mental Load

motherhood

A big welcome to Denaye Barahona of the Simple Families site and podcast. 

Do you ever wash the sheets?

It was the question that started it all. One day while making the bed my husband casually asked me, “Do you ever wash the sheets?” It wasn’t a question of curiosity; it was a question of sanitation. You see, my husband doesn’t see me wash the sheets. He leaves early in the morning and comes back late at night.

I work from home and take care of our young children, so I do the laundry during the day. When it’s time to wash the sheets, I strip the bed, wash them, then put them back into place.

It’s almost like it never happened.

Kind of magic, really.

My brain has become adept at running our home and family like a well-oiled machine. This machine often works the magic of making it all look like it never happened. Planning it all, remembering it all, knowing it all, and worrying about it all—all within the confines of one tired, overworked brain.

This is the invisible mental load of motherhood.

There are many days when I feel as if my brain may explode. I must keep a constant supply of clean underwear in the drawers, a stash of emergency snacks in my purse, and ensure flu shots are administered before the peak of the season is upon us.

I do all this while trying to sustain some semblance of a career, sanity, and toned arms.

The Plan: How to Reduce the Mental Load

The mental load of it all consumed me. So I made a plan.

I knew I needed to wrangle my exploding brain and get a handle on this motherhood journey (of which I’ve only skimmed the surface). I am going to keep this simple, because if you are still reading I’m going to take a wild guess that you are also blessed with a very capable, yet nearly-exploding brain. So here’s how I reduced the mental load in four steps.

WANT TO DO THIS WITH COMMUNITY?

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Step 1: Visualize

The vast majority of the mental load is invisible. It’s the planning, worrying, researching, and anticipating that consumes our minds. Therefore, the first step is to make it visible. That means, take everything out of your head and put it onto paper. I took the mental load out of my head and turned it into a pile of note cards. Each card earned a separate piece of the mental load.

  • Anticipate when we will run out of toothpaste.
  • Ensure that children use the toothpaste.
  • Make sure that Crest doesn’t cause cancer.

You get the drift. Every notecard holds a piece of the larger mental load. When executing this massive brain dump, I was stunned at how much of the mental load was invisible even to me. The sheer amount of material that a parent considers, processes, and executes each day is astounding.

It’s no wonder that we feel stressed out, right?

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Step 2: Understand

Once the brain dump is complete, I worked to develop a better understanding of it all. I sorted and divided my mental load into three categories: planning, worrying, executing. This helped me to better understand where I was putting most of my energy and time.

Low and behold, I am a planner. I found “planning” to be the area that I spend most of my time.
  • Be sure everyone has an extra blanket in case the night gets cold
  • Remember to bring extra shirt for the baby when we eat Italian food.
  • Make sure the big kid pees before we leave the house.

Most days the mental load feels like a massive jumble in my head. Therefore, sorting it out and understanding exactly what my overwhelm really looked like was a huge learning experience.

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Step 3. Reduce

Reduction was also a three-part sorting process: keep it, delegate it, or eliminate it. There were many no-brainers that I had to “keep” in my mental load, like packing lunches. The kids have to eat, right?

I’ve always struggled with asking for help and delegating. My husband is very helpful with the kids and our family, but he thrives when he knows exactly what he needs to be doing. So by handing off a physical piece of my mental load to him (i.e. a handful of cards) he appreciated having it all in written down.

The best part of this process was elimination–which was the biggest way I reduced my mental load. I became aware of plans, worries, and actions that weren’t necessary and weren’t serving me. Tossing those into the trash–once and for all–felt great.

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Step 4. Maintain

Whenever we make big changes, it’s important that we stick with them. Reducing the mental load is vital, but also replacing many of those thoughts and worries with healthy alternatives is also necessary. I am on the journey to find a consistent mindfulness practice–dabbling in yoga, meditation, and generally just being completely present with my family.

Motherhood is a gift and I want to enjoy it as much as possible. That means reducing my mental load so that I can focus on being exactly the woman, wife, and mama that I want to be.

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Starting this Wednesday, Denaye will be guiding a like-minded group of mothers through this process.

It’s a 30-day, digestible email series that I know will leave you with so much more clarity and relief by the end. (Erica note: The private Facebook group alone is easily worth the $30 cost of the series!)

Join us, and let’s reduce the mental load together! Learn more, right here. 

We’d love to hear—Is the mental load something that weighs on you? (Tell us we’re not alone!)