Through some recent correspondence with an old friend, I learned about some of her struggles during high school—and I learned how completely unaware I was. I wish so much that I could have related to her better at the time. Not because I think it would have made much of a difference in her life, but because it would have made a difference in mine. I can’t speak for her, but I will speak today for myself.
I couldn’t go deep because I wasn’t deep.
I talked to my friends about boys and the chemistry teacher and the next haircut I was considering. I had tentative plans for the future and was fostering a quiet ambition, but I was 16.
I hadn’t become a dreamer yet.
I hadn’t wanted more than anything to give up on something.
I hadn’t really lived.
In the twelve years since then, I’ve fallen and broken my knee cap clean in two, in order to protect the two babies I was carrying, one in my belly and the other on my hip.
I’ve grappled with marriage to someone so similar and yet so different from me.
I’ve struggled to reconcile the idealistic picture I had in my head of motherhood with the one that looks like yogurt spilled on carpet below the dining table.
I’ve set my heart on the internet, for anyone to read.
I’ve developed empathy and come to believe that everyone is fighting a hard battle.
I’ve made difficult strides with my faith.
I have become.
To my dear friend from high school: Let’s go deep. I wasn’t ready then, but I am now.
It is realizations like these that make me less afraid of growing up, of growing old.
I have so much becoming left to do.
So so true. I think about this regularly when I reflect on some of my challenges along the way. I passed or messed up a couple of great opportunities because I wasn’t ready and I didn’t know what I wanted. I spent WAAY too long pining over a dream that (looking back) wasn’t right at all. I didn’t know myself, and I didn’t know others. And at times I still have those same bumps. But one day at a time, I’m learning.
Lovely, as always, dear Erica. I am so glad I have been able to grow up and experience hard things. Sometimes, like when I’m trapped in my office for eight hours on a blissful summer day, I feel like growing us is totally a trap. But when I step back, I can see the beauty of gaining wisdom through pain, joy through struggle, and peace through obedience. Thanks so much for sharing.
Your comment reminds me of one of my very favorite pins: http://pinterest.com/pin/173318285631681183/ It DOES feel like a trap sometimes! But of course we know it’s worth it in the end. Thank you, as always, for the thoughtful comment.
Your blog is amazing! You are one busy lady!
I read your blog through my daughters eyes. She has two littles and struggles with things that you write about and I have been thankful for your insight. For her. But today, I am thankful for your words that touch me. I am a 56 year old spirit that struggles everyday. With marriage to a man that I love but don’t always like. With talents that I have that I can’t fit into my ordinary life. With a 26 year old autistic son that drains me everyday. With self images that torture me daily. So thanks for being deep today with oh so few words. Thank you. Really. Thanks.
Alane – I was so touched by your comment! Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. It inspires me to keep writing and to keep sharing even when I hesitate to open up. I can relate for sure on the husband-front :), and just in general being drained by my kids, but moms with autistic children are incredible. Best wishes to you in your journey, and keep in touch!
By the way, I just looked at your blog, and I LOVED that you describe yourself as a creative who happens to be a marginal housekeeper. 🙂 I think that goes with the territory! But it is so open and direct of you to put it out there – love it!
I wasn’t very deep in high school either, which is a shame because I think my friends and I could have had more meaningful relationships if we would have opened up more.
Thanks for visiting my website, Erica! 🙂
Goodness, I am so thankful that I am no longer 16. I often think about whether I’d really change anything, if I could. And, though I would change some things, by and large, I don’t think I’d change much at all, because it has made me who I am today. Each experience has helped me become. And, like you’ve said, I’ve got so much more becoming to do. But, I’m learning to enjoy the ride!
Ahhh, well said. In my case, the longer I live, the less I judge! And, that old saying about the grass being greener on the other side is true. When I stayed home without a car, I wished to go out. When I worked fulltime, I longed to stay home. Guess the secret is enjoying the place you are…and remembering it’ll soon change! Keep up the good work!
I love how real and open you are. So inspiring!! Loved this!!
Thanks so much, Ashely!
You have so much growing up to do and so do I and many other moms like you. And when we are old and gray the good news is…we will look back and think…we still don’t know much of anything. Just kidding…Have a blessed week!
Yep! That’s how it works! I guess that explains why I sometimes cringe when I reread blog posts I wrote a couple years ago. 🙂
I love this post, because I had a very similar experience with a friend of mine recently. I didn’t realize how much she was struggling, and I look back and see all the ways I could have been more of a support for her and wasn’t. Granted I didn’t know, but I feel like I should have somehow. Instead when she pulled away I thought she was angry with me and didn’t try hard enough to find out what was going on. Now I know more I guess that everything isn’t always as it seems.
Thanks for your sweet and honest comment, Callie. It’s so hard to have these kinds of regrets, even when we know deep down that at the time, we really couldn’t have done more. You, for instance, couldn’t have known what was going on, and I, unfortunately, couldn’t have upped my maturity just by wishing it. But we continue to gain experience and improve ourselves, and that’s all that matters!
Have a good week, girl!