Our three kids stared up at the presents I’d wrapped and set on the fridge—ready and waiting for our middle child’s birthday the next day.
“Four presents!” our oldest exclaimed. “That’s more presents than I’ve ever had in my LIFE!”
A part of me balked at that—he’s certainly had more than four presents in his eight years of life! But another part of me smiled at the element of truth in those words.
Yes, we’re fairly minimal in our gift giving. Yes, our parties are usually low-key, no-gift affairs—when we do one at all. But what I care even more about is the way we frame birthdays in our family conversations.
A birthday isn’t about being celebrated by others; it’s about using the day to celebrate your life.
I grew up waiting for others to celebrate me on my birthday. I’d wake up wondering, Will my friends decorate my locker?
As I got older it became, Will my roommates make a cake?
Then, Will my husband get me flowers?
And finally, Will the baby take a good nap? (That’s all a mom really wants, anyway.)
Eventually I realized it was taxing waiting on others to celebrate me and that with a simple mind shift, I could enjoy my birthdays (and Valentine’s and Mother’s Day) a lot more.
So now I’m trying to pass this approach on to my kids: In our family, we use our birthdays to celebrate the big, small, scary, joyful, chaotic, calm, happy lives we’re living. What we DO on a birthday doesn’t matter as much as who we spend it with. What we’re given doesn’t matter as much as what we’ve been blessed with.
3 Notes for the Skeptics
Here are a few thoughts for anyone who might not instantly connect with this approach to kids birthdays:
1. “But what about making my child feel special?”
Any chance to make a child feel cherished is a beautiful thing, so go ahead and take it! But you also have 364 additional days a year to help your child feel appreciated, valued, and deeply loved. Let’s make those days count too. {42 Ways to Make Your Kids Feel Absolutely Loved}
2. “But I want to be a family that celebrates!”
I do too! I absolutely want to be a family whose year is filled with traditions and who celebrates the smallest victories. But I’m going to go out on a limb and say that I think dwelling too much on birthday celebrations can set kids up for an entitled attitude and a lifetime of underwhelming holidays.
I want to empower my kids with a different perspective. I want them to fill their hearts with gratitude and find that they’ll always be satisfied.
3. “But I still just really, really love birthdays.”
If that’s who you are, then by all means, carry on. 🙂 I know women who are amazing at making people in their lives feel showered with love on their birthdays. Keep it up! And if you’re a mom who thrives on giving her child an incredible day or who finds immense joy in planning a festive party—I get that! But I do hope you’ll open a conversation with your kids about starting with gratitude and spilling over from there.
Here’s to celebrating the lives we’re living, parents and kids alike. If you have a second, let us know how birthdays are going in your house and if this perspective connects with you!
Is stress keeping you from connected with your people and leaning in to your big, beautiful life?
May I send you my free worksheet to clear out all that mental clutter? You deserve to feel more stillness inside. (You’ve got this!)
I have two girls, soon 6 and 4. Actually the older ones birhday is coming up and i want to thank you for this article. I was thinking and couldnt make my mind up for how to celebrate it. Make a party or keep it more simple. I think its leaning towards the later one.
I have a little birthday tradition, every birthday i write my girls a letter where i describe them in that age, how they were, what they liked, what theyve said, what they did that made me proud or happy, what fun memories we made that year, what i wish for them and so on. When they turn 18 this will be their birthday gift, all the letters.
Ive also made email accounts for them, to where i occasionaly send pictures, memories, funny things they said and so on. Theyll receive the password and knowledge of the account as another 18years birthday gift. 🙂 I like surprsing the ones i love
This is a great article! My kids were getting so many gifts that I just stopped giving them a gift since they would get so many toys from other family members. I told them that having a party was their gift. There were just too many toys and not enough room or appreciation for all the gifts they received. That is what led me to write my children’s books about The Underground Toy Society.
That is so adorable and a great idea to write a letter to them each year! I wish I would have thought about that!
We have such a big family that even our low key birthdays end up being huge. Family is very important to me, and my husband and I both have large families, many of who live in the same city. So even if we just invite family over for cake, everyone brings a present and it ends up being 20+ people who bring 6 presents. I’ve started encouraging people to give my older kids (9&7) experiences instead of toys. A swim pass, a coupon for an ice cream date, a movie ticket… This that they can have a memory of instead of things to take up space
That’s a great way of handling the presents issue, Holly! And I’m all for big family birthday parties if you have the kind of family you guys do. (Our families happen to be out of state.) Enjoy ’em!
We have always bought our children 2 or 3 gifts due to limited funds and also tried to shift to simpler, family celebrations. It seems though that everyone else continues to have lavish parties.
Have your children ever questioned why their friends have big blowout parties and they don’t? Bouncy houses, trampoline places, ice skating, pool parties, etc where there are 10+ kids each time? It seems each time my children are invited and attend one of these, they come home wanting/expecting the same.
Hi Laura! YES, my kids have DEFINITELY asked! But I’ve always just been consistent with a simple answer of “Every family does things a different way. We like like to keep things simple.” At this point, they know me so well that they know the chances of me throwing an extravagant party are pretty much nill, so they don’t even ask. 🙂 😉 And I think their birthdays are still special for them (just in a little bit of a different way), so they don’t really seem to mind. I hope that helps. I know things will look different for every family, and that’s totally okay! Best wishes, girl!
So my little girl is approaching her 2nd birthday. For her first we asked a small number of friends and family round for cake and asked for no gifts, just a letter to go in a time capsule for her 16th birthday. We then took her away for a weekend, and decided while on that weekend that this was our new tradition. We would not spend money on parties and encourage a tonne of gifts she doesn’t need. But instead every year we would have a weekend away somewhere different but not expensive, and enjoy the time together in a new place. Adventure!!
Exactly what we did! When they got older, they could choose what we would do…overnight bike trip, movie and pizza and a night at a motel with a pool, etc.
My nine-year-old girl decided to bake cupcakes for everyone for her birthfay to save the trouble for anyone wanting to buy her one.
I think this is exactly why people grow up and say things like nothing is fun anymore, it’s not fun to grow up, birthdays and holidays don’t mean anything when you’re an adult, etc. You hit the nail on the head, in my opinion, by saying you can set kids up for a life of underwhelming holidays. You can also set them up for a lifetime of happy, grateful holidays and birthdays. I think that seems very counterintuitive in our society, because everyone wants to give kids a “magical childhood” and if you don’t do that, you’re setting them up for an unhappy life. I think you’ve figured out the secret to a real magical childhood and a happy adult life!
I’m a bit late getting back to you, Chelsie, but I wanted to thank you so much for your kind words. All the best to you and your family!
We have started birthday weekends, we try to get 3 days of celebrating in. It may be a drive to school instead of riding the bus, with a donut shop stop on the way. Depending on what they would like for their birthday we shop and get it, then maybe dinner or a movie. On their actual birthday we do a cake with candles and one small gift with the family. It sounds like a lot but we do a lot of little things to stretch it out. Also, we have a tight budget so we try to do everything on the cheap. They really like the birthday weekend that’s all about them.
I enjoyed this article! We have three children and our girls share birthday pretty close to one another. We have made it a tradition each year to spend the weekend around their birthdays as a family in a hotel. They really enjoy spending time together as a family swimming, eating out and taking in the zoo, etc! They now prefer to do this than having a big friend party, & I figure for what we spend on hotel we save money vs throwing a party and way less stressful for this busy momma 😉