It is an honor for me to host the ever-adorable Emily Anderson of The Anderson Crew. I’m continually inspired by her encouragement for moms to embrace the camera instead of staying behind it. Welcome to the Marriage Diaries!
Surprise, I am super selfish.
I really don’t think we can fully grasp the realm of our selfishness until we become one with another person. It gets even worse once we bring little people into this world, but that’s a whole other blog post.
I married my husband at the young and naive age of 22. I say naive because well, I was. I was the product of a divorced family, with my mother remarrying 3 different times. I got to experience what it was like to see her run away when things got tough. So naturally, I’m a runner. I went into marriage with this thought of how I was going to make it perfect. I would prove my family wrong and we would not get divorced. I would change this bondage of divorce that my family seems to be stuck in.
Naturally, our first big fight happened right after we got married. I can’t even remember what it was about—probably something like “You weren’t raised to make your bed this way??” or something eerily similar and silly. I soon realized that nearly everything we did was different, and we both agreed that we did it best our way. Selfish. Not willing to change, we dug ourselves deeper into a hole, and to top it off we had a baby on the way.
Once our first son was born, a mere 9 months after we married, our selfishness crept up even more when we realized we had very opposite parenting styles. We both wanted to be right and felt like our way was the best, at all times. I never wanted to meet his needs, and I always felt like that was okay to do. I didn’t want to see things from his point of view, and I really didn’t care if it hurt him or not. It was an icky place to be.
With the help of older and wiser married couples, we started to work on our marriage. But really, it was our hearts that needed to be worked on. We both had to let go of the selfish tendency to always be right, and instead to just love the other person more than we loved ourselves.
We will soon celebrate 11 years of marriage, and I’m thankful I’m married to him. If it weren’t for him and his stubbornness, we would probably be divorced. I say that because there have been many times when I’ve wanted to run because things were too tough, but he is a man that stands by his commitments. So, here we are. Working on ourselves and our hearts everyday. I realize that when I’m being selfish and wanting him to change, it’s usually me who needs the changing.
Throughout 11 years of marriage we’ve had 6 children. We became parents just 9 months after we were married—and we were babies ourselves. We’ve grown up together and have become husband and wife, as we were becoming mom and dad. I’d be lying if I didn’t say that it’s been stressful. My selfish heart shines through daily, and it’s a constant battle to not feed it. Lots of days, I don’t succeed. But then I have a few days where Jesus wins my heart, and I don’t quite feel like it’s all about me. Those are days that I consider a win.
I’m Emily, a mother and wife by day, and blogger by night. When I’m not wiping bottoms, cooking food for the masses or reading yet another story, you can find me at the local coffee shop or thrift store catching my breath.
I think the best marriage advice I ever received was to work on/be critical of yourself first and to focus on what your spouse needs, not what you need. That being said, that’s not always easy! Its so much easier to nitpick what the other person should change or do differently, which is a recipe for disaster. Thanks for sharing your story! Good perspective here!
Thanks, Rach! Over the years I have been continually amazed at what a refining experience marriage has been for me. When I actually make myself look at how *I* need to change and improve, it is an opportunity for me to become better. (Even if it is hard!) Love you!
Great article! I too was a young bride – married at 20!! I had a lot of maturing and growing up to do. Even though I have overcome at lot of my selfishness that plagued me while we were first married, it still is a battle. I still am very selfish with my time. I have to always remind myself that my children and my husband deserve my PRIORITY time…not just my “left over” time. Thank you for these words of encouragement!
Hey Des! I was half a month shy of 21, so even though I sometimes say I was 21 when I got married, I was technically 20, too! 🙂 Getting married young has definitely afforded Ryan and I the chance to grow into ourselves together. (We are both a lot different than we were 8 years ago!) I love how Emily said she and her husband became mom and dad at the same time they were becoming husband and wife. I can definitely relate to that as well.
AND THANK YOU for the reminder to be more generous with time. I admit I have not been the best at that lately, and your comment gave me the wake-up I needed! (Can’t wait to see you tomorrow, btw!)
This inspired me! Loved reading this!!!
Thanks for being so open in sharing your experiences, Emily! The selfish monster that lives (and often thrives) inside me constantly seizes full control of my mind and heart. That monster’s not that easy to kick out, I tell you…
I know what you mean! Right there with ya…
First off, thank you so much for being so honest. I’m not sure which is better, marrying young or older. I got married at 30 and I had a difficult time adjusting. I had spent 12 years being selfish. I’m glad I had that time to enjoy me but I think it also set me up to think about myself first. I catch myself too many times planning something without asking my husband or even thinking about what he would want. I am too use to asking myself and then going from there. Loving this series!
I couldn’t agree more, Ashley. There are pros and cons either way! I guess there’s no perfect formula, because no matter how you look at it, joining two lives is just hard! I so appreciate your comment, and I’m glad you’re enjoying the series!
I’ve been married for 12 years and agree that it is a lot of work. I think that when you get married in your twenties, the people involved are usually more willing to compromise and be malleable in the process. Hubby and I had a chance to grow up and mature as people and as a couple. At 23, I was still finding myself as a person and a woman. I am not saying that I don’t have more growing to do…but I am saying that I have grown a lot since then.