Nineteen years ago today I went on my first date with my husband. And next spring we’ll have been married for 15 years. I was 20 years old when I said, “I do.” Or, as I often call it, stupid young.
Of course I don’t mean to imply that all 20-year-olds are stupid or that getting married young is a stupid decision for everyone. But I honestly was too young—and, yes, a little stupid.
The Scripture we chose for our wedding ceremony was the familiar passage from 1 Corinthians 13. Like every other romantic cliché that I was determined to shoe-horn into my life back then, “Love is patient, love is kind,” was the obvious choice for wisdom on which to base our future relationship behavior.
In hindsight, though, what I really need to hear—and take to heart—as I entered into a lifelong commitment at the ripe old, know-it-all age of 20 was a little verse from Proverbs.
It is better to dwell in a corner of the housetop
[on the flat roof, exposed to all kinds of weather]
than in a house shared with a nagging, quarrelsome, and faultfinding woman.
(Proverbs 21:9 AMP)
Last year my husband and I experienced a marriage crisis. After nearly 13 years of the same fights, the same hurts, the same disappointments, we came to a point where we simply couldn’t take anymore. We’d had it. We were done.
Fortunately we managed, through the grace of God and very little credit of our own, to finally face our real issues, deal with a lot of junk we’d brought into our relationship and nurtured over the years, and work through our problems. At the end of that difficult season, we were blessed with a new marriage, a redeemed marriage.
Several things factored into the rescue of our marriage, including the Lord truly moving in my husband’s heart, a miracle for which I will never stop being grateful. But I don’t know that I’d be talking about a redeemed marriage today if it weren’t for an unexpected change that occurred in my own heart.
I realized I’d been a lousy wife.
When I look back on the days before my wedding, I’m surprised at my juvenile understanding of and approach to a grown-up relationship. While I can recall many mental debates with myself (and actual debates with friends who thought I was cuh-RAZ-y for getting married before I’d finished college) about whether Mark would be a good husband, I’m pretty sure the question of my own ability to be a good wife never occurred to me.
Nope, not once.
How would he treat me? How would he show me love? How many chores would he do? What would he do to make me feel good? What would he say to help me feel special? These were the questions I pondered—and carried with me into my marriage.
I held those questions—and expectations for their answers—tightly as I walked down the aisle. I packed them carefully into the suitcase I took on our honeymoon, and I made sure they made it into one of the boxes we hauled into our first apartment.
Like my wedding ring, childhood teddy bear and high school yearbooks, those Requirements for Making Me a Happy Wife stayed by my side no matter where we went. From apartment to duplex to house, I took those things everywhere.
And unlike my worn stuffed bear, I kept them at hand at all times. I wore them close to my increasingly disappointed—and bitter—heart, constantly evaluating how Mark was living up to my expectations.
With so much energy poured into my good husband checklist, of course I didn’t waste time thinking about what kind of wife I was. And though I pride myself on being highly self-aware, I failed to notice a pattern of what can only be described as contentious behavior.
Like the screaming fit I threw in the parking lot of a Chinese restaurant one Sunday afternoon—all because my husband, who had never liked Chinese food, wouldn’t eat Chinese food with me.
Or our many trips to Blockbuster that ended with me pouting over his refusal to watch another romantic comedy. Let’s not forget the road trip fights, when he dared change the station during a song I liked and settled on the big game instead. And don’t even ask about the fights I started over how our bathroom towels were hung or how the spaghetti was cooked or how and when we paid bills.
Everything was about what I wanted, how it made me feel and what I thought I deserved. Honestly, I was like a Beastie Boy, constantly fighting for my rights.
It was only after counseling and a lot of soul-searching that I realized my expectations, combined with my insistence on being right and having rights, were ruining my chance at a happy marriage. Mark’s choice to be a good husband would only save our train wreck of a relationship if I chose, finally, to be a good wife, too.
I’m not saying, by any means, that I’ve figured it all out. Arguments, frustrations, misunderstandings and disappointments still happen—and often over the dumbest things (like radio stations and bathroom towels). Thankfully, though, those instances are much fewer and further between than ever before and forgiveness comes quicker and more naturally than before.
Marriage is full of surprises. A decade and a half ago, I had no idea that my husband hated vacuuming more than any other chore, had a stubborn streak even wider than my own, knew the words to almost every classic rock song ever written, and liked mushrooms on his pizza.
But the most important thing I’ve been surprised to learn is about how to love my husband better and be a better wife. And, surprise! I’m still learning.
Mary Carver is a writer, blogger, church planter, wife and mom. A recovering perfectionist, Mary writes with honesty and humor about her imperfect life at www.givinguponperfect.com. Her posts about everything from dieting and housekeeping to parenting and faith encourage other women to give up on perfect and get on with life. She also writes for (in)courage and is the author of Plan a Fabulous Party {without losing your mind}. You can connect with Mary on Twitter, Facebook and Instagram. And if you subscribe to her blog (and why wouldn’t you?!), you’ll receive an ebook called Finding a Happier Ever After for FREE!
It was wonderful to host Mary today, and I hope you’ll give her a warm welcome! To any new visitors, if you’d like to learn more about the Marriage Diaries, click here. Thank you for reading!
{bottom photo} {Linked up with Grace at Home.}
Definitely a lot of truth in this post–thank you Mary! Erica, I think this goes along with your post about wives thinking they’re selfless, which isn’t always true. I know I have lots of room for improvement in this area, especially when you then factor in kids.
Everything gets more complicated when we add kids, doesn’t it? 🙂 And OH YEAH, I definitely would have told you how selfless I was for all those year when I was really being quite selfish. I still struggle with it today, but I guess knowing is half the battle. 🙂
I loved your post, Mary. The idea of a “redeemed marriage” is so beautiful – I hope it helps many a struggling couple. Thank you for sharing and opening up!
Also, I still am a lousy wife, so I can relate! 😉
Thanks for sharing on facebook, too, Angelica! And I KNOW you are not a lousy wife. At least not any more often than the rest of us! (And don’t you argue with me! 🙂
What, me argue about such a thing? 😉
Thanks, Angelica! I think at one time or another, each of us is a lousy spouse. The danger comes in not realizing it and thinking only the other person is struggling or slacking!
Mary, this post really hit home with me today. As a wife and new mom, lately I’ve been having to re-think some of my prior expectations. Marriage changes everything, and then children come along and change it all again. Like you, I had high expectations of my husband (and still do) but rarely extend those expectations to myself, and I know that it’s a recipe for disaster in a marriage. You sharing your story reminded me of this. Thank you!
Thank you for your comment, Jessica. It’s hard – marriage, kids, LIFE! 🙂 Sounds like you’re wise to reconsider your expectations now – of yourself and your husband both!
Oh my goodness I needed this post. I really have never once thought about his expectations. I’ve never asked him what he would like to see in me. I’m always focused on what I need and want. My expectations always greater than his own. I need to reevaluate.
The thought of asking my husband – even now, even after my heart has changed – what he expects or needs from me is so scary! Funny how we’re so quick to expect from them but not so quick to let the tables get turned!!
I definitely can relate to this post. I think we had a similar crisis a while back. I think both my husband and myself had a serious look at ourselves and our habits and expectations. I think we both realized that we were both getting upset about how the other person always seemed to handle certain situations when in reality if we stood back and thought about it, knowing our personalities, we should have expected those exact reactions. Instead of taking everything personally and viewing them as a complete failure in our marriage we tried to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I have also started reminding myself that it’s just not worth it to turn every “failure” on his part into a battle. I try to choose by battles carefully and tell myself to just “get over it” for the rest. I think the “fifties wives” who just went along quietly with everything their husbands did have gotten a bad rap. While I definitely think there are some needs that should be addressed and feelings that should be valued, there is also some merit to just letting some (or a lot) of things go, and choosing to be happy about who our spouse is, not who they aren’t. That way we can feel good about hoping they’ll do the same for us!
Choosing my battles and learning to let go of what doesn’t truly matter (without becoming a doormat, of course) has made a HUGE difference for us, too. Love hearing that you and your husband are figuring those things out together, Tiffanie!
Needed this today. As parents of two small children (one of which has special needs), my husband and I face many challenges every day and it is easy to finger-point when the going gets tough. What I really took to heart from this post is that it is so important that we (re)evaluate *ourselves* rather than pointing out flaws in each other. I appreciate your honesty, Mary, and this series, Erica!
Thanks, Katie. I’ve read and heard often that having a special needs child presents unique challenges to marriage. I can only imagine how easy it is to turn frustrations or heartaches on each other! And YES, re-evaluating my own behavior and choices and words has just made a ton of difference!
This post was spot on. We basically are all very selfish at the core and have to make a conscious effort to think of others first. Or is it just me?
Nope. Not just you at all!
This made me cry, I needed it so badly. Beautiful story.
Mary is a great writer, isn’t she? With such a wise perspective. Thanks for telling us that this impacted you. That is certainly our hope with this series. Best wishes, Ashley!
You’re sweet, Erica. 🙂 And Ashley? It made me cry, too. 🙂
This post really resonated with me. I’ve been in the same position–and it was hard to realize that the changes I so desired really needed to begin with ME!
Thank you for joining the Grace at Home party! I featured you this week!
Great post and very challenging. It’s hard to see your own problems, but so easy to see someone else’s. Thanks for sharing this!
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I saved this post to come back to and finally did. I really needed to read this. Thank you.