I LOVED our last chat about why men need respect. Let me tell ya, learning that men need to feel respected even more than they need to feel loved was incredibly eye-opening for me.
My husband and I have practiced a lot of trial and error in our seven years of marriage, and I’ve done plenty of reading along the way. So let’s jump right in to 5 Ways to Give Men Respect:
1. Text or email him every time a sweet thought about him pops into your head—especially if it has to do with providing and working hard. Example texts:
Out of the blue, Chase just said “I’m getting big—big as Daddy!” We think of you all the time. Miss you!
You work too hard! I’m so lucky to have you! I never have to worry!
Have I mentioned lately how much I like going to the park with the kids? Makes me feel bad because I know you’re plugging away at the office…Thank you!!!
2. Notice and acknowledge the help he gives you. This goes along with #1 but extends to more than his worklife. “Hey hon, I saw you took out the trash last night! Thanks!” OR “Thank you SO much for reading bedtime stories to the kids! It was so nice to have a night off!” OR “Thanks for paying the credit card bill yesterday. Phew!” This makes a huge difference for me (as well as him) because when I’m trying to be conscious of what he does, I notice more and am much more appreciative, which makes both of us happier! Also, he is substantially more motivated to keep it up. Appreciation and respect will motivate most men far more than feelings of failure.
3. Let him know about any bragging you do about him in public, or brag when he’s by your side. I personally tend to shy away from this, because when women glow on social media about the millionth wonderful thing their husband did, I have been known to cringe—simply because I always seem to notice those comments when I’m in a squabble with my own husband! (Anyone with me?) BUT I do know that talking positively about my husband influences how I think about him, and vice versa. So I’m going to make a faithful effort to do a bit more bragging! If any of you have more experience using this method, please share what kind of a difference it has made for you as a couple!
4. Don’t micromanage. I am the queen of micromanaging! Ryan jokes that he leaves me alone in the kitchen because if I ask him to get out the salt and pepper, I’ll walk over to it and point it out. (I think I actually did that when we were newlyweds!) That kind of hand-holding makes a man feel like you think he’s stupid, and no man wants that! Men need to feel like we trust them to handle things in our lives.
Which brings me to . . .
5. TRUST HIM! On the small stuff and the big stuff. Sometimes I actually find it easier to trust my husband with the big stuff. For example, I have a lot of faith in him as far as his career planning goes. But I also seem to think highly of my own opinions or my own ways of doing (inconsequential) things. Do I trust him to get the boys to bed, even if he does it differently than I do? Do I trust him to choose the best cell phone plan or carrier? Do I trust him to book the flights for our next family vacation?
Or do I think I would do it better?
I admit—I really like my own ideas. I think I’m so smart! But every time I show my husband that I think I could do it better, I’m missing a chance to show him that I trust him. Yes, our flight times might not coincide perfectly with the littlest one’s naptime, but it will all work out. The hardest part about showing trust is deciding that the immediate outcome (a missed nap) is less important than the long-term outcome (a relationship built on trust and respect).
Phew! Did you make it through? Thank you! I would love to hear from you—How do you show respect to your partner, and have you seen what a difference it makes?
Great suggestions! And I totally think you could have left the example in the last post up! Don’t worry about sounding like a know-it-all – we can filter! 😉 Plus, you are an exceptionally wise woman.
Btw, I shared yesterday’s post with J and he wasn’t totally sure about the whole respect-over-love thing (for him personally) – but he was very interested to read the next post for more info on the how! And I liked what one of your commenters on the last post said about respect and love being more closely related than you would think at first glance..
Ps. Because of your post, Aretha Franklin’s song kept running through my mind all day yesterday. R-E-S-P-E-C-T…(just a little bit…just a little bit)
Exactly! I think they are closely related, too. Besides, who really likes to say, “I need respect!” It just has an odd ring to it, especially compared to “I need to be loved.” We’re used to hearing that everyone needs love.
Also, I think they feel intertwined because a great way to give both love AND respect is by showing appreciation to those we care about. I suppose it doesn’t really matter which one they’re feeling in the end, as long as they’re happy! 🙂
Good point! Maybe all those concepts – appreciation, love, respect – can be lumped under “validation.” It’s pretty great – for men and women alike – to feel validated by others and valuable to others for who we are and what we do. Just thinking about it makes me feel all fuzzy inside! =)
I love these ideas Erica. I need to remind my husband how much he helps me!!
Awesome post! All ideas are easy enough to be implemented immediately. The last one hit home for me personally because I often like to hand-hold my husband when it comes to certain things. A friend of mine once told me to just let him do things on his own and if something falls through, then it falls through. But, at least he still feels respected! And, it’s highly likely he’ll learn from his mistake and avoid it the next time.
The trust thing is huge for me, especially when it comes to parenting. Since I’m the stay-at-home parent, I’ve got everything down to a science. It’s so hard to stand back when I know exactly what works for me (because it usually is just me). But I have to remind myself that Bria needs different things from each parent– she doesn’t need identical parenting from mom and dad. We have different personalities, so obviously that’s reflected in our parenting. Plus, it’s also really important for kids to see that their parents respect each other. So it’s good for the marriage (like you said) and good for the child, I think.
Love this angle! I hadn’t given respect a lot of thought when it comes to parenting (probably because, like you, I’m the one around to do the bulk of it. 🙂 But that’s such a great point, that kids need different things from each parent and need to see their parents’ love and respect more than anything else.
Oh my goodness, Erica. I have to tell you, I almost stopped reading this post halfway through. I was getting all annoyed up in my head (#1 I can’t text him anything remotely nice because he thinks it’s weird and awkward and responds with something he thinks is funny, but I take as rude. #2 I can’t thank him for helping because he thinks it’s awkward and weird and says something that he thinks is funny and I think is rude) But then #3: Where you cringe when you read about the wonderful things everyone else’s husband is doing. Well, isn’t that kind of what I’m doing right now? OK, maybe you’re on to something here. Turns out I totally relate to all of your points. Keep it coming!
I hate to admit that I laughed while reading this, because it’s probably really annoying for you! I guess that’s what is so fascinating about relationships—no two people communicate exactly the same way! Good luck on this one! 🙂
Love this! It’s nice to be reminded! Team work! 🙂
Such great insights Erica! I am so glad you have this blog and are sharing your talents this way! Your writing is beautiful and sincere. Thank you!